Return of the Afterlife Coffee Break: SE
by Beautiful Lady
Summary: Heaven may never be the same after dead anime characters get a hold of it! Explosions! Yay! SPOILERS: Trigun, Bebop, FF7, Eva, etc. YOU NO WATCH? YOU NO READ! Hack it, stick it, sew it, lick it.
1. The Required Anime Recap Episode of Love

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS  
  
The continuation to "The Afterlife Coffee Break" is just as violent, if not more so. There is more cursing, more offensive jokes and more spoilers than you can shake a stick at. We like to consider it a family show.  
  
EPISODE 1.5: The Required Anime Recap Episode of Love!  
  
*****  
  
A WHITE SET that really doesn't exist anywhere. LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS is standing before a film crew in an immaculate white suit.  
  
LEGATO: Hello, welcome back to the ongoing saga that is "The Afterlife Coffee Break." As you know, it's customary for Anime series to have a recap episode even when everybody is perfectly aware of what's going on. The producers decided that it would be a wise idea for us to do one as well since we've had an eventful season. I'm now going to summarize the events of the show in case any of you puny mortals missed what happened...  
  
At that moment, NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD and SPIKE SPIEGEL run onto the set.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (angrily) Why in the name of God were you selected to do the recap?  
  
SPIKE: I was wondering the same thing....  
  
LEGATO: I'm handsome and charismatic.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Like hell you are! You can't even read the teleprompter because of your hair!  
  
LEGATO: I'm going to improvise.  
  
WOLFWOOD: You're going to get it all wrong!  
  
LEGATO: (ignores him) If you recall, Wolfwood and Spike were the hosts of the number one ranked talk show in Heaven and the number two ranked talk show in Hell. All of that changed when Spike got a little horny.  
  
SPIKE: I was sick!  
  
LEGATO: Yeah right, we know exactly WHAT you were "sick" with too...Spike went off to find some booty leaving an open spot for a host. I stepped in and things got very interesting.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Things got downright unbearable!  
  
LEGATO: (pompously) Thanks to MY skill, the "Afterlife Coffee Break" surpassed every other show in ratings and now stands as number one.  
  
WOLFWOOD: I still think it's because of Dominique and Charlotte...  
  
LEGATO scowls at WOLFWOOD who scowls right back.  
  
LEGATO: After the filming, Wolfwood received an amazing injury which still remains unexplained...  
  
WOLFWOOD: Unexplained my ass!  
  
LEGATO: Yes, the injury DID involve your ass, didn't it?  
  
WOLFWOOD: (shaking violently) I....hate....you....  
  
LEGATO: Moving on. Spike returned to co-host with me while Wolfwood recovered from his injuries and we had a very strange interview with Dominique the Cyclops.  
  
SPIKE: Don't forget the part where you stole my mug!  
  
LEGATO: I have no idea what you're talking about.  
  
SPIKE begins looking for a grenade to toss at LEGATO.  
  
LEGATO: Wolfwood returned and was angry with me for no reason...  
  
SPIKE: No reason? Um...I don't think that's the way it happened....  
  
LEGATO: He violently attacked me....  
  
WOLFWOOD: I attacked YOU? You lying little....  
  
LEGATO: (cuts him off) Things were going just fine until God got a little upset about all the fighting.  
  
SPIKE: God was beyond being a 'little upset'...  
  
WOLFWOOD: God was down right pissed...  
  
LEGATO: We were all dropped kicked to Purgatory with all the quitters to do an on location interview with Kaji from Evangelion. Severe addiction to cigarettes and cheesecake landed Wolfwood and myself soundly in Hell where the "Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, and, of course, Smoking Break" was filming. Wolfwood and myself ended up being the special guests...  
  
WOLFWOOD: Funny how you forgot to include the part about you getting high, singing the wrong lyrics to "Soundlife" and telling me you loved me...  
  
LEGATO: That's because none of that happened....  
  
WOLFWOOD: I WILL hurt you...  
  
LEGATO: Anyway! I befriended the hosts of the show, Sephiroth...  
  
SPIKE: Who turned out to be a pyromaniac...  
  
LEGATO:...and Vicious...  
  
SPIKE: Who turned out to be a sticky fluid of unknown origins...  
  
WOLFWOOD: And I got stuck in Hell with all of these crazy bastards....  
  
SPIKE: While I got stranded in Purgatory doing the interview all by myself...  
  
LEGATO: (irritated by the interruptions) Ahem! Spike finished up the interview and joined us in Hell which resulted in a very lame fight between him and Vicious.  
  
SPIKE: (pouting) The jackass stole my lighter...  
  
LEGATO: I decided to stay in Hell...  
  
WOLFWOOD: You were FORBIDDEN to return to Heaven because you're an asshole!  
  
LEGATO: (ignores him) And since I DECIDED to stay, I became the third host of the ADFLSM and of course SB...  
  
SPIKE: (disturbed) Um...what did you just call it...?  
  
WOLFWOOD: Spike and I returned to Heaven only to find the set had been completely destroyed by a grenade while Dominique was still on the set!  
  
SPIKE: My bad.  
  
WOLFWOOD: And to top it all off we now have a new co-host...  
  
ALL: Rem!  
  
LEGATO: The highlight of the entire show has been the revelation of Wolfwood's hilarious middle name...  
  
SPIKE and LEGATO: "Dilbert"!  
  
BOTH fall into fits of laughter.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Sure, just laugh it up...  
  
LEGATO: And now that you're up to speed, please sit back and relax while we bring you...  
  
ALL: "The Afterlife Coffee Break"! 


	2. Potty Language

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:  
  
Crude language, violence, spelling mistakes and out-of-character behavior. Oh yeah, we've got it all and you know you like it. Who's your daddy? Say it louder. Oh yeah.  
  
SEASON II  
  
EPISODE I: Potty Language  
  
*****  
  
HEAVEN. A soundstage made to look like a living room. All over are vases filled with geraniums; in fact, the set looks like a garden. There is a nice coffee table situated before three overstuffed chairs. On the table are a phone, more geraniums and three coffee mugs. The first mug reads "I love everything" the second reads "I don't" and the final mug reads "God made me perfect." REM SAVEREM, SPIKE SPIEGEL and NICHOLAS DILBERT WOLFWOOD are sitting in the chairs sipping from their respective mugs (Guess which mug goes to each person.).  
  
WOLFWOOD: Welcome to the Afterlife Coffee Break, I'm Nicholas D. Wolfwood.  
  
SPIKE: And I'm Spike Spiegel. I'd like to extend my thanks to all the viewers who sent flowers and cards to Dominique the Cyclops who is recovering nicely from wounds received when the set exploded. She wants us to tell you that she and all her personalities really appreciate the well wishes. Hopefully she'll be back to her old, insane self in no time. In fact, most of her body parts have been relocated.  
  
WOLFWOOD: I'd like to say that it's good to be back hosting the show and we're glad to have you with us.  
  
SPIKE: We're also glad to have a new host joining us today; please welcome Rem Saverem.  
  
REM: (waving to the camera) Hello!  
  
SPIKE: Why don't you tell the viewers a little bit about yourself.  
  
REM: (smiling) Gladly! I am a former crew member of the now extinct Project SEEDS. I died a rather violent death, which wasn't to say "pleasant".  
  
SPIKE: Going "Boom" is never "pleasant".  
  
REM: But all things happen for a reason! For instance, since my death, I've been working for the Heavenly Censors making sure that everything shown on the air is nice and loving and non-violent and pleasant.  
  
SPIKE: Ugh.I almost miss Hell.  
  
REM: And it's because of the violence on this show that I've been asked to step in and keep an eye on you two..  
  
WOLFWOOD: But the violence only started after Legato joined!  
  
REM: Well, none of that really matters now. God's worried that Legato was a bad influence on you two so I'm here to be a positive influence and keep you from attacking each other and swearing and screaming and.  
  
SPIKE: (interrupting) So.you're here to suck all the fun out of death?  
  
REM: Exactly.  
  
WOLFWOOD: You're a watchdog!  
  
REM: Well, my interference will be minimal provided you behave.  
  
SPIKE: (very putout) Well that's just great. Anything else you care to add?  
  
REM: Hmmm.well, besides working for the censors, I'm also a nature lover. There are so many things that make me happy. I love flowers and butterflies and trees and raindrops and kittens and tuna and little fuzzy squirrels and...  
  
FIVE HOURS LATER..SPIKE has fallen asleep and WOLFWOOD is yawning heavily.  
  
REM: .and baby seals and poison arrow frogs and rattle snakes and flies and roaches and amoebas and.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (interrupting) Oh God! Spare me! That's enough! Let's get on with the show already. Wake up Spike!  
  
SPIKE: (wiping away the drool) Right.okay.First off, Nick, why don't you tell us what you learned on your little field trip to Hell.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (snarling) What I learned? I learned that everything bad in the world is Legato's fault! He DESERVES to be in Hell!  
  
SPIKE: You got sent there too...  
  
WOLFWOOD: But it was all that death-obsessed, long-haired, vision- impaired, hand-licking, psychopath's fault!  
  
REM: Placing the blame doesn't do anybody any good.  
  
WOLFWOOD: But it makes me feel better. And anyway, YOU owe us all an apology Spike!  
  
SPIKE: An apology! What for?  
  
WOLFWOOD: Hmm.where to start? First of all, it's because of your out of control hormones that Legato hosted with us in the first place!  
  
SPIKE: For the last time: I WAS SICK!  
  
WOLFWOOD: NOBODY believes that, you know. Secondly, we've had to postpone the show for weeks because you destroyed the set!  
  
REM: But you have to admit, the new set looks much better than the old one.  
  
SPIKE: SEE!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Whatever.  
  
SPIKE: Besides, you got sent to Hell to learn the value of love and peace.  
  
REM: What a GREAT idea!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Fine. I'll say that I at least APPRECIATE Heaven more than I did before.  
  
SPIKE: So are you going to stop complaining about it so much?  
  
WOLWOOD: Of course!  
  
SPIKE: I really find that hard to believe...  
  
WOLFWOOD: Fuck you.  
  
REM: (sternly) Watch your language!  
  
SPIKE and WOLFWOOD simply stare at REM for a moment in surprise.  
  
SPIKE: (recovers and starts chuckling) Good one, Rem! You had me for a moment there! Good joke.  
  
REM: I'm not joking.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (uncertainly) You're serious?  
  
REM: One hundred percent serious. You really can't use language like that.  
  
SPIKE: Umm.is there a list or something?  
  
REM: Absolutely. You aren't allowed to use the "B" word or the "S" word and especially not the "F" word.  
  
WOLFWOOD: So "dammit" is still okay, right? How about "Bastard"?  
  
REM: No! I wasn't finished.  
  
SPIKE: There's more? Motherfucking son of a.  
  
REM: That's on the list too by the way.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Is there ANYTHING we CAN say?  
  
REM: There are lots of things you can say!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Well help me out here because I think you've eliminated all the really good ones.  
  
REM: That's not true! You still have: shucks, darn, rats, goodness, yowzers, oh my.  
  
SPIKE looks horrified and leans over to WOLFWOOD to share with him his opinion that this blows.  
  
SPIKE: (whispering) Okay, this is NOT going to work.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (whispering) You're telling me! We've got to get Legato back...  
  
Somewhere, the polar ice caps melt and it begins to rain frogs and blood on Earth.  
  
REM:.oh no, geez, my-my, uh-oh, yikes, oops, golly .  
  
SPIKE: Oh HELL no, I am NOT saying "golly"!  
  
REM: You're lucky that the "H" word is allowed since it's a location name.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (smiling) Hey! "Ass" is an animal!  
  
REM: (shaking her head) That doesn't work since it has synonyms like "Donkey" and "Mule".  
  
SPIKE: (sneakily) Okay, what if I tell you that I grew up in a sleepy town on Mars called "Bitch" down the street from the "Damn" Grocery store which was right on "Motherfucker" street where I played with my favorite little puppy, "Bastard".  
  
REM: (covering her ears) That won't do at all!  
  
WOLFWOOD: But it's true! I myself am from a small town on Planet Gunsmoke called "Shit".  
  
REM: (a little upset) Listen, you are NOT allowed to talk like that anymore! You have to behave! Please, this is my job! You don't want me to get in trouble do you?  
  
SPIKE and WOLFWOOD look a little guilty for a moment.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Of course we don't want you to get in trouble! Listen, we always strive to please the ladies! We'll clean up our language, right, Spike?  
  
SPIKE only grumbles in reply.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (loudly) I SAID: "Right, Spike"?  
  
SPIKE: Oh fuck, FINE!  
  
REM glares at him.  
  
SPIKE: Um.I mean.(defeated) "Oh golly, fine."  
  
REM: That wasn't so hard, was it?  
  
SPIKE doesn't answer because he has run off the set to go wash his mouth out with soap, something he's had to do a lot lately (he used an entire bar to get rid of Legato's germs).  
  
SPIKE: (running away) I feel so dirty! Arghhhhhhhh!!!!  
  
REM and WOLFWOOD watch his retreating form. WOLFWOOD shrugs his shoulders.  
  
REM: Thanks so much for cooperating Nick, I really appreciate it!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Don't get the wrong idea. I think that we'll probably be the one's influencing you in the long run.  
  
REM: (worriedly) What do you mean?  
  
WOLFWOOD: I bet we'll have you cursing like a Badlad before you're time with us is up.  
  
REM: (crossing her arms) I don't think so!  
  
WOLFWOOD: We'll see.  
  
SPIKE returns looking sullen. He plops down in his seat and can't even manage a scowl at REM.  
  
SPIKE: Okay. Let's take a call or two.  
  
The phone rings and WOLFWOOD hits the button. Static is heard followed by what sounds like a maniacal chuckle.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Hello? Caller, are you there?  
  
CALLER: Oh.I'M here...and ALIVE, which is more than I can say for Rem!  
  
REM: Well that wasn't very nice.  
  
CALLER: I don't have to be nice to dead people!  
  
SPIKE: Sir, would you please state your name and where you're calling from?  
  
CALLER: Oh.I'm calling from a place where I'M STILL alive, whereas Rem is dead, dead, DEAD!  
  
REM: (somewhat upset) You're really rude!  
  
CALLER: And you're dead! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Bwa HA HA HA HA! How does blowing up feel? BOOM! BOOM!!! BOOOOOM! And nobody missed you! Ha ha! Human waste! Dead human waste!  
  
REM: Now stop that!  
  
WOLFWOOD: (scratching his chin) That voice sounds familiar.  
  
CALLER: (singing to "Ding-dong the witch is dead" from "The Wizard of Oz") Ding-dong, the BITCH is dead, the BITCH is dead, the BITCH is dead! Ding- dong the wicked BITCH is dead!  
  
REM: (shaking with anger) Now that's just enou..  
  
CALLER: (cuts her off) Mind if I call you "Worm food"? Hey, I have a message from the land of the living: "We're all terribly glad that you're dead, please stay that way!" Ha,ha!  
  
REM: PLEASE sto.  
  
CALLER: You're so dead that if you decomposed anymore you'd be.  
  
REM: (stands) SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SHIT-FACED LITTLE PENCIL-DICKED BASTARD!  
  
ALL fall very silent.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Wow...that was quick...I should have put money on it...  
  
CALLER: (sounding hurt) Gosh, Rem.Golly, you don't have to be so mean.  
  
REM: Hang the fucking phone up you little twerp. Call again and you sing soprano.  
  
CALLER: Sorry ma'am.  
  
REM: PISS OFF!  
  
The line goes dead.  
  
REM is seething with anger and WOLFWOOD and SPIKE are sending worried looks in her direction.  
  
SPIKE: (cautiously) And so.that's all the time we have for today's show. It's been an interesting episode and I think we've all learned a valuable lesson.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Yes we have. We've learned that in times of stress, even the most peaceful among us will resort to cursing like a common street thug.  
  
REM: DON'T get me started on YOU choir boy.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Sorry ma'am.  
  
SPIKE: Join us for the next episode when the special guest will be Aeris Gainsborough from Final Fantasy 7...So until the next time.  
  
SPIKE and WOLFWOOD: Stay dead and stay bitter about it!  
  
REM: And kiss my entire ass.  
  
To be continued... 


	3. Frankly my dear Legato, I don't give a d...

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:  
  
Banana.  
  
A WORD ON OOC:  
  
Banana.  
  
SEASON II EPISODE II: "Frankly my dear Legato, I don't give a damn!"  
  
*****  
  
HELL. A very nice set with black leather furniture and lava lamps. Sitting in comfortable chairs and relaxing with their beer mugs are VICIOUS and LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS (Don't ask him what the "W" stands for, it only makes him angry). VICIOUS' mug reads "Are you talkin' to me? Are YOU talkin' to me? You must be talkin' to me 'cause I don't see anybody else here." LEGATO's reads "Don't kill: I hate competition." The lights come on and only LEGATO smiles into the camera. (All the dolphins in the world wash up onto shore dead)  
  
VICIOUS: (takes a deep breath) Welcome to the Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, Vanity, Gluttony, and, of course, Smoking Break...  
  
LEGATO: (confused) Hold it, hold it....did the title of the show...just get...longer?  
  
VICIOUS: We added a few sins in your honor...  
  
LEGATO: (uncertain) Vanity and Gluttony...thanks...I think....  
  
VICIOUS: No problem! We just wanted to make you feel at home!  
  
LEGATO: Well...on that note, welcome to the show, I'm Legato, Legato Bluesummers.  
  
VICIOUS: And I'm Vicious.  
  
LEGATO: You know, we really should work on getting you a last name, it's anti-climactic to hear my name and then for you to follow up with "I'm Vicious." The audience is left to wonder: "Vicious WHO?!"  
  
VICIOUS: I'm too evil for a last name...  
  
LEGATO: I BEG your pardon! Not to brag but I have a last name and I killed quite a few more people in my show than you did in yours...  
  
VICIOUS: Yes, but I killed more characters that the audience had a strong emotional connection to.  
  
LEGATO: I don't think so! I got Wolfwood! Don't ask me why but everybody loved that guy! He ranks above anybody you got...  
  
VICIOUS: No good, I've got Gren AND Spike. In addition to that, Shin and his brother, Chin, both died as a result of MY actions. And to top it all off, Julia's death is my fault too!  
  
LEGATO: (scoffing) Are you kidding? Nobody liked Julia...  
  
VICIOUS: (thinking) Hmmm...you're right. Even still...all you did was kill a gang or two....  
  
LEGATO: I'm not buying any of that. And I think you know there's only one way to solve this kind of conflict...  
  
VICIOUS: (standing) I think you're right.  
  
Somewhere "Blood and Thunder" begins to play...  
  
LEGATO: (stands to join VICIOUS) All right then, let's get this over with...  
  
A REFEREE falls onto the set.  
  
REFEREE: (shouting) Janken!  
  
LEGATO: (angrily) Oh that is SO annoying!  
  
REFEREE: (nervously) What is?  
  
VICIOUS: Using Japanese in an English language story...  
  
REFEREE: But it's a cultural thing! If I used English, it wouldn't have the same effect!!!  
  
LEGATO: Hmmm...gee, well let me think...It wouldn't have the same 'effect' but everybody WOULD KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! Tough decision there buddy...  
  
REFEREE: (snottily) Fine! I'll use English if it will make you happy...  
  
VICIOUS: Actually, I think you should use English to save your sorry ass, but have it your way.  
  
LEGATO: And can we do it from the top please?  
  
The REFEREE stalks off the stage and LEGATO takes his seats again while VICIOUS remains standing.  
  
LEGATO: (irritated and mechanical) I'm not buying any of that. (stifles a yawn) And I think you know there's only one way to solve this kind of conflict...(scratches himself)  
  
VICIOUS: (obviously reading from a script) I think you're right. (picks his nose)  
  
Somewhere "Blood and Thunder" begins to play...  
  
LEGATO: (stands to join VICIOUS and looks bored) All right then, let's get this over with...  
  
A REFEREE falls onto the set.  
  
REFEREE: (shouting) Jank...oops I mean: Paper, Rock, Scissors!  
  
VICIOUS: Oh for the love of Satan!  
  
REFEREE: (indignantly) What's wrong NOW?  
  
LEGATO: It's ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!  
  
REFEREE: The fucking order doesn't matter!  
  
LEGATO: Yes it DOES!  
  
Off stage, a voice is heard, it's the DIRECTOR.  
  
DIRECTOR: Guys, just play the game, settle your petty argument and get on with the filming already...  
  
VICIOUS: Oh fine!  
  
VICIOUS and LEGATO face each other. The Clint Eastwood whistle music plays gently as dust and tumbleweeds blow past them.  
  
LEGATO: (twanging like a cowboy) I've got three objects I kin make with these here hands of mine and so do you...so we're even there, but I've got the advantage... I got two hands here pard'ner, and one of 'em ain't mine. That hand belongs to a notorious gunmen, known for his bullets never missin' their mark... Now you gotta ask yourself something: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk?  
  
VICIOUS: (confused) Er....what the hell are you talking about?  
  
LEGATO: Oh never mind! You are so uncultured!  
  
REFEREE: On the count of three! Iti, ni, san...  
  
VICIOUS: Count in English you little bastard!  
  
REFEREE: FINE! One, two, three!  
  
LEGATO and VICIOUS both throw out their hands. LEGATO's fingers are in the shape of scissors and VICIOUS has made paper.  
  
LEGATO: (strutting around the stage) Whoo hoo! Look at me and my bad self! Who's the man? Who's the man! Time out! Holla' back ya'll! I'm one bad mother...  
  
REFEREE: Shut yo mouth!  
  
LEGATO: But I'm just talkin' bout Legato!  
  
REFEREE: Then we can dig it!  
  
VICIOUS: (upset) Best two out of three!  
  
LEGATO: No way! You have to call that before the game starts! It's too late now!  
  
VICIOUS: Says who?  
  
LEGATO: Says me!  
  
VICIOUS: Well you're wrong! That's a stupid rule!  
  
LEGATO: No, you're just a bad loser!  
  
DIRECTOR: Dammit! Sit down and follow the script! Legato is a bigger bad- ass than you and that's it! Got it!  
  
VICIOUS: Do you want to die Mr. Director?  
  
DIRECTOR: Already dead. Sit down and finish the show.  
  
VICIOUS and LEGATO (who is smiling far too much which makes all the vultures eating the dolphins drop down dead...Legato just has that kind of effect when he smiles) take their seats and face the camera.  
  
LEGATO: Here on the...(forgets the title which is now too long)...here on the...SHOW we've got some exciting developments, right Vicious?  
  
VICIOUS: (to LEGATO) Fuck you. (to the camera) Yes, we do have some exciting things going on! Right now, Sephiroth is negotiating his contract with the producers. He'll be joining us later...  
  
LEGATO: Hopefully, the producers will realize what I've known all along: that Sephiroth is far too lame to be the host and that I outweigh him in evilness by tons.  
  
VICIOUS: (eyeing LEGATO) Hmmm...you outweigh him in more than evilness, have you looked at yourself lately? You should cut down on the cheesecake...  
  
LEGATO: (horrified) Are you insane! I have the same flawless figure that I had when I died! I'm a freakin' Adonis!  
  
VICIOUS: Not so much anymore...I'll give you credit for the figure you USED to have, but you're getting a little fat around the middle. Spare tires aren't really attractive you know...  
  
LEGATO: (looking down at his midsection) Is it...is it true? Master would call me names if he saw me!  
  
LEGATO gets up and runs dramatically off the set to an outdoors scene at sunset. LEGATO appears in silhouette holding radishes.  
  
LEGATO: (as Scarlet O'Hara) As God as my witness, I'll never eat cheesecake again!  
  
VICIOUS: Ugh...now that is just WRONG...  
  
LEGATO returns to the set. He sits down and acts as if nothing strange has happened at all.  
  
VICIOUS: Okay...we're going to JOIN Legato and PRETEND like we NEVER saw that...But as we were saying, in addition to contract negotiations, Sephiroth is working on getting us a Universal Passport!  
  
LEGATO: For you viewers at home who are unfamiliar with the term, we'll explain. When you die, you have to stay where you're placed unless the circumstances are special...  
  
VICIOUS: Like Legato who got thrown out of Heaven like a little bitch!  
  
LEGATO: (ignores him) People in Purgatory get to move around a bit more, but they're just quitters. Pretty much it boils down to dead people never getting to leave Hell or Heaven...ever.  
  
VICIOUS: There are ways around it and the Universal Passport is one of them!  
  
LEGATO: If we get it, we are granted leave to visit any anime universe we choose and film the land of the living!  
  
VICIOUS: The only downside is that we can only converse with the living. They'll be able to see us, but we won't be allowed to decapitate them...  
  
LEGATO: ...or break their bones...  
  
VICIOUS: ...or shoot them out of the sky...  
  
LEGATO: ...or taste their cooking....  
  
VICIOUS: Fat ass...  
  
LEGATO: Wuss!  
  
At that moment SEPHIROTH walks onto the set looking a bit tired. He's dragging his sword behind him and flops down onto an empty chair. A stage hand immediately brings him a beer mug that reads "Sephiroth is Namekian for: 'He who burns popcorn and villages'" He takes a long sip and then looks at his co-hosts.  
  
VICIOUS: Well! What happened?  
  
SEPHIROTH: They cut my pay...  
  
LEGATO: Well, you suck, what did you expect?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Don't piss me off freakshow, I've got no problem with introducing Masamune to your appendix...  
  
VICIOUS: Enough with the Japanese already!  
  
The REFEREE walks back onto the set.  
  
REFEREE: Technically, "Masamune" is the name of his sword...  
  
VICIOUS: (stands slowly and draws his sword) That's funny because my sword is named "Kill the Fucking Referee"! Good name, don't you think?  
  
REFEREE: (running away) Run away! Run away!  
  
VICIOUS chases him off the set leaving SEPHIROTH and LEGATO alone together, they're remarkably unfazed by VICIOUS' behavior.  
  
LEGATO: Well...what about the Universal Passport?  
  
SEPHIROTH reaches into his coat and pulls out three little leather folders with shining gold lettering that reads "Universal Passport."  
  
LEGATO: You got them!  
  
SEPHIROTH: (tosses LEGATO's to him) Yeah, it took some doing, but I got them. I'm beat...  
  
LEGATO looks at his picture in the passport.  
  
LEGATO: Holy shit! I'm a blimp!  
  
SEPHIROTH: Well, you have been hitting the cheesecake pretty hard...don't stress too much, it's just winter weight...  
  
LEGATO: You fucking moron! I'M IN HELL! It's hot all the time! It's a bloody sauna! I should be losing weight not picking it up!  
  
VICIOUS returns with his sword dripping with a red liquid...  
  
SEPHIROTH: So I guess you got the Referee...  
  
VICIOUS: I wish...he dodged and I ended up stabbing the leader of the Roderick Gang...  
  
LEGATO: Whoo hoo!  
  
VICIOUS: The little prick used the confusion to run away...the next time I see him...I'm going to blow him up...with a grenade...  
  
LEGATO: Why do you and Spike hate each other again? You're just alike...  
  
VICIOUS: (eye twitching) Don't ever....EVER ....say that again....  
  
SEPHIROTH: (tosses VICIOUS his passport) I got the Universal Passports...  
  
VICIOUS: That's great! (looks down at his photo) Wow...I look great in this picture! Dark colors really are flattering! I look so thin and trim!  
  
LEGATO is sobbing quietly.  
  
VICIOUS: (still looking at the picture) Look at that cute little birdie! Birdie-Wordie!  
  
LEGATO: "Birdie-Wordie?"  
  
VICIOUS: Doesn't my bird look adorable in this shot?  
  
SEPHIROTH: No...You have the ugliest bird I've ever seen actually...  
  
VICIOUS: That's because you're jealous! You never had a faithful pet...  
  
SEPHIROTH: That's not true...Cloud was housebroken and took up very little space on the floor....  
  
LEGATO: Please keep any other details about that to yourself...  
  
VICIOUS: Well, now that we have these little babies, we can go wherever we like!  
  
LEGATO: And I know just the place! First stop: Planet Gunsmoke!  
  
SEPHIROTH: Like Hell! We are NOT going to that ridiculous planet and it's fifteen million suns and deserts...  
  
LEGATO: We only have two suns!  
  
VICIOUS: Either way, Sephiroth is right, there is no way we're going there...  
  
SEPHIROTH: That's right, we're going to Midgar...  
  
VICIOUS and LEGATO: WHAT?  
  
SEPHIROTH: I said we're...  
  
VICIOUS: We HEARD what you said and it's a definite NO!  
  
LEGATO: I agree. That city was lame and so was your entire planet...Why exactly did you want to marry it?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Become ONE with it DAMMIT!  
  
VICIOUS: Does that entail a prenuptial agreement?  
  
LEGATO: Yeah, what if the planet has an affair with another psychopath...  
  
VICIOUS: Who gets custody of all the little meteors?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Neither of you understands anything!  
  
VICIOUS: It doesn't matter...we're going to Mars...  
  
LEGATO: Er...why? You don't have anybody to talk to there....  
  
VICIOUS: Hmm...You know, you're right...all my followers are probably either dead or arrested. My organization has no leadership anymore and I didn't have any friends...  
  
LEGATO: Some things never change!  
  
SEPHIROTH: Okay, so we're back to square one, where the hell are we going?  
  
VICIOUS: (snaps his fingers excitedly) I know! Maybe we should pick someone particularly interesting who's still alive...We'll just go wherever they live! Everybody, think really hard...  
  
JEOPARDY music begins to play. VICIOUS, LEGATO and SEPHIROTH wear expressions that shift from confusion to absolute uncertainty. The music comes to an end.  
  
LEGATO: Got anybody?  
  
SEPHIROTH: There's Tifa...  
  
VICIOUS: Dammit Sephiroth! We said, "interesting!"  
  
SEPHIROTH: Oh...right...  
  
LEGATO: The Master is very interesting...  
  
SEPHIROTH: You mean that "Knives" guy, don't you?  
  
LEGATO: Say his name with respect!  
  
SEPHIROTH: Actually...can I be honest with you?  
  
VICIOUS: (resignedly) Oh, why not?  
  
SEPHIROTH: I'd prefer if we didn't go to Planet Gunsmoke to interview him...  
  
LEGATO: (barely hiding his anger) Why?  
  
SEPHIROTH: He...he...scares me...  
  
VICIOUS and LEGATO stare at him wit disgust carved into their expressions.  
  
LEGATO: Oh for the love of...  
  
VICIOUS: That's it! We're going to Planet Gunsmoke! Sephiroth, you had better grow a pair between then and now...  
  
LEGATO: Like coconuts...  
  
SEPHIROTH: I want my Mommy!  
  
VICIOUS: Well, that's all the time we have for today's show...  
  
LEGATO: Join us next time where we'll be filming on location from Planet Gunsmoke!  
  
SEPHIROTH: (crying) So...until...(sniffles) then....  
  
ALL: Stay dead and stay evil!  
  
To be continued.... 


	4. The Wolfettes, in concert!

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:  
  
This episode just goes to show you that, even when you're dead, the all mighty Woolong...Double dollar...Gil...oh whatever! Dammit! MONEY still makes the world go round!  
  
A NOTE ON MUSICAL NUMBERS  
  
Well, they're not always popular, and some people skip episodes that have them, but be warned, the following has a musical number at the end! Gasp! We the producers recommend having "You're the First, My Last, My Everything" on hand in case you do stick to the end for the musical festivities.  
  
SEASON II  
  
EPISODE III: The Wolf-ettes, in concert!  
  
*****  
  
HEAVEN. On the set of the "Afterlife Coffee Break". REM SAVEREM, SPIKE SPIEGEL and NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD are sipping from blank mugs and sitting in comfortable, but well-worn chairs. There is an empty seat beside REM for the guest. Before them is a nice coffee table with a telephone and a bouquet of flowers. The set is clean and comfortable but is obviously missing a few things.  
  
The studio lights come on.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Hello everyone! Welcome to the Afterlife Coffee break. I'm Nicholas D. Wolfwood.  
  
SPIKE: I'm Spike Spiegel.  
  
REM: And I'm Rem Saverem.  
  
SPIKE: First things first. Because of a certain little outburst that one of our hosts had last time, there are gonna be some changes around here.  
  
REM: I really am sorry, I don't know what came over me.  
  
SPIKE: Yeah, yeah, sure you are...Anyway, because Rem cursed out a caller, she had to go through sensitivity training and we lost some sponsors. This means we're missing the funding to do a lot of the things we used to do. You'll notice that we can't afford clever sayings on our cups anymore and that we had to get rid of some of the set decoration. As for the sponsors we kept, we had to come up with a way to appease them just to get them to stay.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Extra advertising for free seems to be the way to their hearts. So every now and then you'll hear us slip in the name of one of our sponsor's products.  
  
SPIKE: (smiling a cheesy smile, turns to face the camera with a bright pink package in his hands) Like Heaven Brand Diapers.  
  
REM: Never trust your baby's butt to anything but Heaven Brand!  
  
WOLFWOOD: (grumbles) I feel like such a prostitute.  
  
SPIKE: (whispering) YOU? You're not the one holding diapers.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Anyway! Today, we'll be having a special guest visit.  
  
REM: I'm super excited because the guest is Aeris Gainsborough, a nature lover, like myself! I can't wait to talk to her about geraniums and butterflies and spiders and piglets and insurance salesmen and tacos and.  
  
SPIKE: NOT AGAIN! STOP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY!  
  
WOLFWOOD: (is shuffling a stack of blue cards in his hands nervously) I.I'm really glad to get to meet Aeris.  
  
SPIKE and REM eye him suspiciously. They notice that he is turning an attractive shade of pink.  
  
SPIKE: You have a crush on her!  
  
WOLFWOOD: (eyes shifting from side to side) I.I do not!  
  
REM: Oh yes you do! This is so cute! How long has this been going on?  
  
WOLFWOOD: Nothing is going on! I think she's a beautiful and intelligent young woman.  
  
SPIKE: * cough coughMILLYcough coughMILLYcough *  
  
WOLFWOOD ignores him.  
  
REM: (singing) Aeris and Wolfwood sitting in a tree.  
  
REM and SPIKE: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!!  
  
WOLFWOOD: I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH!  
  
SPIKE: (singing) First comes love.  
  
REM: (singing) Then comes marriage.  
  
BOTH: Then comes Wolfwood with a baby carriage!  
  
ALL have a vision of WOLFWOOD pushing a stroller and struggling to carry his Cross Punisher at the same time.  
  
ALL: Ugh.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Oh fine! If you really must know, I used to play Final Fantasy 7 all the time. I guess I developed a bit of a crush... After she died in the game, I didn't even want to play it anymore, but I kept going in hopes that she would come back to life.  
  
SPIKE: You know, I heard a rumor that if you had the Game Shark you could get Aeris back.  
  
REM: The Game Shark is an amazing product that helps take your game to a new level.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Oh for the love of.  
  
SPIKE: So Nick, what are all those cards?  
  
WOLFWOOD: (quietly) They're questions I wrote to ask Aeris.  
  
REM: Oh! Let us see! (grabs for them)  
  
WOLFWOOD: (trying to hide the cards) No! Stay back! They're for my eyes only!  
  
SPIKE and REM attack him and wrestle the cards out of his hands. REM gets him in a killer headlock.  
  
SPIKE: (snatches the cards while WOLFWOOD gags) Got 'em! Okay let's see...what does this one say?  
  
WOLFWOOD: (trying to breath around REM's headlock) You can let go now!  
  
REM: Oops! (sits down calmly as if she didn't just strangle a man and peeps over SPIKE's shoulder at the cards)  
  
WOLFWOOD: (gasping for air) Sensitivity training didn't help you at all!  
  
REM ignores him.  
  
SPIKE: (reading the cards with a mocking tone) "Aeris, would you describe for us your ideal man?"  
  
REM an SPIKE exchange a quick look and then burst into laughter.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Cut that out!  
  
REM: (as AERIS) Oh Gee Mr. Wolfwood! I've been hoping to meet a cold blooded killer posing as a priest!  
  
SPIKE: (as AERIS) I really, REALLY hope that his foul smoker's breath caresses my neck night after night!  
  
REM: (as AERIS) I want to meet someone with an impossible accent that keeps me from understanding him. I'd also love it if he were such a cheapskate that he has to make money by carrying around a confessional booth and suckering people out of their money!  
  
SPIKE and REM can't stop laughing. WOLFWOOD tries to snatch the cards back.  
  
SPIKE: Wait! Wait! (holds the card out of WOLFWOOD's reach) Just one more.(reads from the card) "What do you like to do on dates?"  
  
REM: (as AERIS and trying not to laugh) Well, I really like to be picked up on a motorcycle that breaks down and leaves us stranded and at the mercy of strangers and robbers!  
  
SPIKE: (as AERIS) And I don't expect my date to change into anything special! I hope he wears the same dusty, priest's outfit that he wears every other day! It's so sexy!  
  
WOLFWOOD: (angrily to SPIKE) I don't think you can crack on me for never changing clothing!  
  
REM: He has a point.  
  
SPIKE: (to REM) Hey! Who's side are you on?  
  
REM: I'm an equal opportunity bitc.er..girl.  
  
SPIKE: I'm about to start a swear jar.  
  
WOLFWOOD snatches the cards back and hides them in his jacket.  
  
SPIKE: (to WOLFWOOD) You're no fun! All right, fine.since Nick's being a party pooper, let's bring out the guest! Please welcome, Aeris Gainsborough!  
  
AERIS GAINSBOROUGH walks onto the set. She smiles sweetly at the hosts and then settles into the empty chair beside REM. She looks a bit nervous.  
  
REM: Welcome to the show! How are you today?  
  
AERIS: I'm feeling just fine, thank you, and yourself?  
  
REM: I'm also feeling just fine, I'd say it's the chairs we're sitting in, I've never been so comfortable in my life!  
  
WOLFWOOD: (stiffly) Why Rem, these are LazyCadaver recliners, didn't you know?  
  
SPIKE: (reading from a queue-card) I should have known since LazyCadaver is a division of Heaven Brand Furniture, the feeling is like...nothing.in this world (mutters under his breath) God that is so cheesy...  
  
AERIS: (confused) Well, the chairs are nice, but.  
  
REM: (cuts her off) We'll explain later.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (stuttering) S...so Aeris, c...can you t...tell us what you've been up to since you.well.you know.  
  
AERIS: (smiling) Well, I've been managing a flower shop here in Heaven.  
  
SPIKE: How's business?  
  
AERIS: Good, good.we do have some competition from this huge and evil company. You may have heard of them and their horrible policies! Heaven corporation! They're terrible, terrible!  
  
SPIKE, REM and WOLFWOOD: (look horrified at AERIS)  
  
REM: Shhhh! Are you crazy?  
  
AERIS: (confused) What? They really have bad business tactics! They threaten anyone who gets in their way! They're worse than the Shinra!  
  
The transmission abruptly cuts off. LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS temporarily appears on the screen before an all white background.  
  
LEGATO: Do to...er..."technical problems", the Afterlife Coffee Break cannot be seen at this time. We take you now to a pre-recorded episode of the Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, Vanity, Gluttony, and, of course, Smoking Break...  
  
PLANET GUNSMOKE. SEPHIROTH, VICIOUS, and LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS are trudging through the desert and looking miserable.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Must.have.water.  
  
VICIOUS: I'm hallucinating.I keep thinking I see Spike only he has really short hair and is carrying a saxophone.  
  
LEGATO: I think I am too.I keep thinking I see cheesecake floating in the sky.  
  
SEPHIROTH and VICIOUS: FATASS!  
  
SEPHIROTH: You know Legato, this is YOUR planet! Why in the world can't you handle the heat?  
  
LEGATO: I always used to force people to keep me cool with big feathered fans.  
  
VICIOUS: That doesn't really surprise me.God! What possible reason could there be for this planet to have so many fucking suns?  
  
SEPHIROTH: They did it just to make me miserable! (shaking his fist at the sky) Curse you Legato! Curse you and this stupid planet!  
  
LEGATO ignores him.  
  
VICIOUS: How much longer?  
  
LEGATO: About 50 Isles more.  
  
SEPHIROTH and VICIOUS stop and stare at him.  
  
LEGATO: (frowning at them) What?  
  
SEPHIROTH: What the hell is an 'Isle'?  
  
LEGATO: A unit of measure.  
  
VICIOUS: But WHAT is it? Can you convert it into something we can figure out?  
  
LEGATO: (thinking) Hmm.Well, an Isle is something like a Kilo-Isle only smaller, but not as small as a Meta-Isle.  
  
SEPHIROTH: (to VICIOUS) Do you want to kill him or should I?  
  
VICIOUS: Oh please, let me.  
  
They attack LEGATO and then the signal cuts off. REM SAVEREM appears on the screen before a white background.  
  
REM: This episode of the.(reads the queue-card) I am NOT saying the entire name of their show, it's ridiculous! Suffice it to say that there were "technical problems." We will now take you to The Afterlife Coffee Break already in progress.  
  
HEAVEN.  
  
SPIKE: Alright folks, sorry about the broadcast interruption...We're going to continue with the interview now.  
  
All the hosts look at AERIS who has her arms crossed and is turning a violent shade of red. She looks pissed.  
  
AERIS: I can't believe this! It's censorship! I blame the media!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Come on Aeris! Things will be okay! Let me just say, that I think your flower shop is fantastic!  
  
AERIS: (smiling) Really? You've been to my shop?  
  
WOLFWOOD: (looking at his hands) Well, I usually just stand at the window and look at all the...pretty things inside...  
  
SPIKE: *coughMILLYcoughMILLYcough!*  
  
WOLFWOOD glares at him.  
  
AERIS: It means a lot that you like my store Nick...  
  
WOLFWOOD: R...really?  
  
AERIS: (nervously) Well yes...I'm actually a big fan of yours...  
  
REM, SPIKE and WOLFWOOD stare at her like she just grew a cybernetic arm...  
  
WOLFWOOD: A fan...of mine?  
  
AERIS: Well...yes...I think we have a lot in common...  
  
SPIKE: Hold it! Hold it! How in the WORLD could you feel like you have something in common with him? He's a killer!  
  
AERIS: Well...I know that he's killed people...but he did it for the children. When I first saw Nick's show, I couldn't get over how good and kind he was. And I couldn't help but think that we would have a lot to talk about. We both fought for the innocent and we both believed in the potential for beauty in the world. Also, we both died praying for others, wishing them happiness and safety even though we wanted to stay with them. I think we have...a lot in common...  
  
All the show hosts stare at her with their mouths hanging open.  
  
REM: That was...  
  
SPIKE: beautiful...  
  
WOLFWOOD: (to AERIS) Do you want to get married now or later?  
  
The phone rings.  
  
SPIKE: Well, I guess it is about time to take a caller... (he hits the button)  
  
Static is heard followed by a sweet, feminine voice.  
  
CALLER: Hello Aeris...  
  
AERIS: Tifa! Is that you?  
  
TIFA: Oh yeah, it's me...  
  
AERIS: It's wonderful to hear from you!  
  
TIFA: (snidely) I'm sure it is...  
  
AERIS: (frowns at TIFA's tone of voice) Is something wrong Tifa?  
  
TIFA: (sarcastically) Oh no! I just wanted to call and congratulate you...  
  
SPIKE: Congratulate her for what?  
  
TIFA: Believe it or not, Aeris did the right thing in dying...  
  
AERIS: (looks hurt) What do you mean?  
  
TIFA: Oh! Well, you died and I thought I was lucky! No more competition for Cloud's affections! But do you know what? You got the better end of the deal! And now you've even got someone in Heaven who cares about you! He seems nice and kind...not like Cloud...  
  
REM: Is there something wrong with Cloud?  
  
TIFA: More than "something"! He's a deadbeat! He's taken this whole "I saved the world thing" too far! He doesn't do anything anymore but sit around the house and drink beer! He's getting fat and gross and I really, really wish you hadn't died and left me here with him!  
  
All the show hosts fall silent. In the background over the phone they can hear a voice hollering at TIFA.  
  
CLOUD: (heard over the phone) Woman! Get your butt back in here! I saved the world and I want some sweet lovin'!  
  
SPIKE: That is just nasty...  
  
AERIS: I'm sure it's not that bad Tifa...you two seemed to be so in love...  
  
TIFA: Well, actually, I think I just wanted him cause I couldn't have him...Who'd have thought I'd win by default? (the voice booms again)  
  
CLOUD: Woman! Get in here and pleasure the savior of the world!  
  
REM: Alex would never have dared to talk to me like that...  
  
WOLFWOOD: Yeah, I can just imagine....  
  
TIFA: (to CLOUD) Coming dear! (under her breath) I think I can still perform the Beat Rush and I'm just dying to try it out on you, dear...(to AERIS) Well, I just wanted to congratulate you on making the right decision to die and all. Have a nice afterlife since my life sucks!  
  
The line goes dead.  
  
REM: I actually feel kinda bad for her...  
  
WOLFWOOD: Yeah, but I have to agree with her...I'm kinda glad you died too...or you wouldn't be here with me...  
  
AERIS: (blushes) Well, when you put it that way, I'm glad too...  
  
WOLFWOOD: In fact...I'm so happy to be here with you....that I just have to...sing about it!  
  
Music begins in the background and WOLFWOOD stands and turns to AERIS with a romantic look on his face. He opens his mouth to sing...  
  
DIRECTOR: (stomping his feet and waving his arms around) Oh no, no! None of that!  
  
The music dies abruptly. WOLFWOOD sits down huffily. He pouts and looks at the DIRECTOR.  
  
WOLFWOOD: But Director, I want to sing!  
  
DIRECTOR: Oh dammit! Quit looking at me like that! Darn it...resistance weakening...must fight...Argghhh! Fine! Sing if you want to!  
  
WOLFWOOD jumps up excitedly. The music starts up again. It sounds remarkably like...Barry White?  
  
WOLFWOOD: (to AERIS in a low, Barry White-like voice) We got it together, didn't we?  
  
SPIKE: Uh...how did your voice suddenly change?  
  
WOLFWOOD: (to AERIS, his hips are swaying to the music) We definitely got our thing together, don't we baby? Isn't that nice? I mean really, when you really sit and think about it isn't it really, really nice?  
  
REM: (snidely) I really, really, think that's really, really nice, don't you? Isn't that really nice when you really, really think about it?  
  
WOLFWOOD: (to AERIS) I can easily feel myself slipping more and more away into that simple world of my own...  
  
SPIKE: That's good...could you stay there?  
  
WOLFWOOD: Nobody but you (points at AERIS) and me (points at himself). (he is now somehow wearing a tuxedo and holding a bouquet of roses which he hands to AERIS)  
  
AERIS is squeaking like a teenybopper.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (to AERIS) We got it together baby...  
  
As if by magic, a microphone lowers from the ceiling to hang before WOLFWOOD, the music crescendos...  
  
Suddenly behind him, SPIKE, VICIOUS, REM and LEGATO appear in matching sequined backup-singer outfits. They would like to be known as the "Wolf- ettes" because the world is a bad place...  
  
WOLFWOOD begins to sing...  
  
WOLFWOOD: Ohhh! My first, my last, my everything! And the answer to, all my dreams! You're my sun...  
  
WOLF-ETTES: Suuuun!  
  
WOLFWOOD: My moon!  
  
WOLF-ETTES: Moooon!  
  
WOLFWOOD: My guiding star! My kind of wonderful, that's what you are! I know there's only, only one like you! There's no way, they could have made two! You're, you're all I'm living for. Your love I'll keep for evermore! You're the first..  
  
WOLF-ETTES: (doing bad Temptations-like dance movements) Fiiirst!!  
  
WOLFWOOD: My last!  
  
WOLF-ETTES: My laaaast!  
  
WOLFWOOD: My everything!  
  
AERIS is screaming and grabbing at his leg...  
  
WOLFWOOD: (trying to pull his leg away but only succeeds at dragging AERIS across the floor) In you, I've found so many things...A love so new, only you could bring!  
  
WOLF-ETTES: Can't you see if youuuuu!!!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Can't you see if you,  
  
WOLFWOOD: Ohhh! Ohhh!  
  
WOLFWOOD: ...you'll make me feel this way, you're like a first mornin' dew on a brand new day! I've seen so many waaaaays that I...can looooove you 'til the day I die! You're my reeeeeality yet I'm lost in a, a, a, a dream! You're the first  
  
WOLF-ETTES: Fiiiirst!  
  
WOLFWOOD: My last!  
  
WOLF-ETTES: My laaaaaaaaast!  
  
WOLFWOOD: My EVERYTHING!  
  
The music segues into an instrumental interlude and WOLFWOOD takes the time to dance smoothly for AERIS.  
  
AERIS: Oh my God! Ahhhhh! He's so dreamy!!!!  
  
WOLF-ETTES: (frowning and shaking their heads, well... all of them except for LEGATO who looks like he's having fun...) Ohhhhhhhhh! Oh Ohhhhh!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhh!!!!  
  
WOLFWOOD stops dancing and grabs the microphone ('cause he's feeling the beat)...  
  
WOLFWOOD: I know, there's only, only oooone like you! There's no way, they could have made two! Girl, you're my reality, but I'm lost in a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a DREAM! You're the first....  
  
SPIKE: I know what you mean about that "dream" part... Oops, I mean: The fiiiiiirst!  
  
WOLFWOOD: You're the last  
  
LEGATO: The laaaaaaaaaaaaast!  
  
WOLFWOOD: MY EVERYTHING!  
  
WOLF-ETTES: EVERYTHIIIIIING!  
  
The microphone raises and WOLFWOOD looks down at AERIS who is ripping at his clothing trying to get a piece of him.  
  
WOLFWOOD: You and me baby... Just you (points at her) and me (points at himself)...Yeah you are the first...the last...my everything....  
  
The music fades out and the WOLF-ETTES take their seats (except for LEGATO and VICIOUS who really don't belong there...)  
  
AERIS: (crying tears of joy) Oh Nick! That was beautiful!  
  
WOLFWOOD: (still as Barry White) No problem sweet thang...how about you and I take a ride to my love shack?  
  
AERIS faints.  
  
SPIKE: (looking at his sequined outfit in disgust before glaring at LEGATO and VICIOUS) Okay! How in the world did you two get into Heaven?  
  
LEGATO: Oh come on! You can't do a musical number and expect me NOT to show up!  
  
ALL shake their heads and agree as they mutter things like "yeah, 'Gato's got to boogie" or "Yeah, Legato's just gotta get his freak on" ...  
  
REM: But how did you get here?  
  
LEGATO: (flashes his universal passport) Read 'em and weep! These babies are good for all sorts of tricks.  
  
WOLFWOOD: I can't believe they gave those to you! (looks at the picture) You look really fat in that picture, Legato...  
  
LEGATO tries to strangle WOLFWOOD but VICIOUS steps in the way.  
  
VICIOUS: Believe it Priest-boy! We are currently on our way to do an on location interview on Planet Gunspokeypokey...  
  
LEGATO: That's "Gunsmoke"! Geez...get it right!  
  
VICIOUS: And on that note, we have to go. We left Sephiroth in the middle of the desert with nothing but a hole-filled canteen and a dog whistle...  
  
REM: Why didn't the dear boy just come up here to do the musical number with you two?  
  
LEGATO: The reason just fainted...besides, he doesn't like sequins...Toodles!  
  
LEGATO and VICIOUS disappear.  
  
SPIKE: They can really cause a lot of trouble now that they have those...  
  
WOLFWOOD: That's true...look how easily they got into Heaven...  
  
REM: Shouldn't we do something about it?  
  
SPIKE: Well...if we don't who will?  
  
WOLFWOOD: Join us next time for the next episode of The Afterlife Coffee Break! I'll be doing another musical number...  
  
REM and SPIKE: Like hell you will!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Ahem! Until then...  
  
ALL: Stay dead, and stay bitter about it!  
  
The studio lights go down and REM and SPIKE leave the set. AERIS comes to...  
  
AERIS: (looking up at WOLFWOOD dreamily) You've got a great voice...  
  
WOLFWOOD: That' ain't all I've got that's great....  
  
He leans towards her and music starts to play, their lips are almost touching when...  
  
A COMMERCIAL BEGINS....  
  
ANNOUNCER: Heaven Brand condoms, for those heavenly nights!  
  
To be continued.... 


	5. Everyone is Free to Run With Scissors

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:  
  
Dokonokuminomonjawaresumakinishiteshizumetarokakora  
  
SEASON II  
  
EPISODE IV: Everyone is free to run with scissors.  
  
*****  
  
PLANET GUNSMOKE. A SMALL VILLAGE ABOUT 200 ISLES OUTSIDE OF LR TOWN. A LIVING ROOM SETTING. SEPHIROTH, LEGATO BLUESUMMERS, and VICIOUS are sitting in comfortable looking chairs (specially delivered from HELL to hold their intangible forms) across from MILLIONS KNIVES who is also reclining in a comfortable chair. A table with a telephone placed on it is situated between the chairs; these are also courtesy of the land of the dead. Camera equipment is set up out of the way.  
  
VICIOUS: Hello, I'm Vicious.  
  
LEGATO: I'm Legato Bluesummers  
  
SEPHIROTH: I'm Sephiroth and this is the Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, (takes a deep breath) Murdering, Vanity, Gluttony, and, of course, Smoking Break...Whew.  
  
LEGATO: Thanks to the Universal Passport, I've returned home to Planet Gunsmoke for an ultra-special interview! Today, I am happier than I've been since I was blown away by Vash The Stampede. Why, you ask? Because we have with us a man who can only be described as a genius.  
  
"Glory, Glory Hallelujah" begins playing in the background by a professional kazoo orchestra. A flag begins waving behind LEGATO who stands, fists clenched and eyes.er.EYE blazing with passion.  
  
LEGATO: I think of strength when I think of this man! I think of bravery and valor when I think of this man.  
  
SEPHIROTH: I think of CUTLERY when I think of this man.  
  
LEGATO: (ignores him) Search your hearts viewers and tell me if you can find his equal! Throughout all of anime, who else has had the fire, the passion the determination and the power to influence the world like this man?  
  
VICIOUS: (snidely) Gee...Other than GODZILLA I can't think of anybody.  
  
LEGATO: That's because there is no one! Please give a hearty welcome to Millions Knives!  
  
A spotlight shines on KNIVES who has the courtesy to look a tad bit embarrassed. LEGATO takes his seat and the kazoo orchestra moves onto their next gig at the WHITE HOUSE. They take the flag with them.  
  
KNIVES: Thank you for the introduction, Legato. However, I am a little upset that you brought these humans into my home.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Watch what you say! I'm not some trashy human, I am a Cetra.  
  
KNIVES: Etcetera?  
  
SEPHIROTH: CETRA!  
  
KNIVES: Whatever, you're not human, that's good enough for me.but what about him? (looks at VICIOUS with a raised brow)  
  
LEGATO: (scratching his chin) Well.he's human.but he spent his entire life killing off other humans so I'd say he's okay.  
  
VICIOUS flips LEGATO the bird.  
  
LEGATO: (ignores him) We'll be taking some calls later on, but first, let's learn a little about our guest. Master?  
  
KNIVES: I'm a superior being, raised on a ship loaded with filthy humans who were looking for a new place to dwell since they decimated their home planet. I took care of the majority of them in a very nice explosive segment of the show; but that meddling girl Rem kept me from destroying the rest. Ultimately, I want to rid this planet of humans before tea time everyday but I keep running into difficulties. They multiply like rabbits! No, wait. They're like roaches! You can't even kill them off with a microwave.It's so frustrating that I end up saying "Oh screw it, let's just have some Celestial Seasonings and call it a day!"  
  
SEPHIROTH: Other than destroying humans, do you have any other interests?  
  
KNIVES: Well.I like ornamental basket weaving and candle-making. I'm a Gemini and I get along well with Sagittarius. Wait a minute.no I don't. Anyway! My brother is Vash The Stampede and I've been working at getting him to see my point of view for over 100 years. That's a hobby all by itself!  
  
VICIOUS: What exactly are his views?  
  
KNIVES: (mocking as VASH) Humans are good, nobody has a right to kill anyone, I can save the butterfly AND the stinkin' spider.blah, blah, blah  
  
ALL: Ugh.  
  
KNIVES: I know, isn't it disgusting?  
  
LEGATO: Very. But, tell me, this show has millions of human viewers, why did you allow us to interview you knowing that they would be watching and could become wise to your plans to destroy them?  
  
KNIVES: Don't you know that the villain always tells his plans when he thinks he's going to win? In any event, I look at this as an opportunity to say a few things to the humans. You know, get a few things off my chest?  
  
VICIOUS: Is there a special message you want to deliver to the viewers?  
  
KNIVES: Indeed. Since I've lived for 130 years, I have experience and knowledge that is well worth hearing and heeding.  
  
SEPHIROTH: God I want ear plugs right now...  
  
LEGATO: (to SEPHIROTH) Quiet fool! (to KNIVES) The floor is yours.  
  
KNIVES: (clears his throat) Ladies and Gentlemen of the Human race, DO NOT wear sunscreen.  
  
VICIOUS, LEGATO and SEPHIROTH: Excuse me?  
  
KNIVES: If I could offer you only one tip for the future, NOT wearing sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists. This means that wearing sunscreen could potentially save a human life from cancer and tumors. This is, of course, a BAD thing. So sunscreen is out.  
  
LEGATO: (scribbling wildly in a notebook) Oh, this is GOOD stuff.sunscreen bad.cancer good.continue.  
  
Somewhere, serene music begins to play.  
  
KNIVES: Humans, fear the power and beauty of my eternal youth.oh never mind, you will not understand my power and beauty until AFTER I've killed you.  
  
VICIOUS: (frowning in confusion) Now.how EXACTLY is that possible.?  
  
KNIVES: (ignores him) You pathogenic organisms should not worry about the future you don't have.Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to keep me from sneaking into your room late at night with a pillow to suffocate you while you sleep.  
  
SEPHIROTH: You know.I thought I hated humans, but really, you've put me to shame.You take it to an extreme level...  
  
KNIVES: I've only just begun! Legato, are you getting all of this?  
  
LEGATO: Every word, Master.  
  
KNIVES: Good, then I will continue. Do NOT floss.you may very well develop gum disease after several years of refraining from that activity and then you will have a lifetime of pain and dental bills! BWA HA HA!  
  
VICIOUS: I.I really have nothing to say to that.  
  
KNIVES: Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life.I'm going to destroy your entire race soon so it's pointless to make plans anyway.  
  
LEGATO: Plans.bad.destroying..good  
  
KNIVES: Do not take calcium. Be harsh and cruel to your knees! Run with scissors!  
  
LEGATO: Calcium bad.bad knees good.Running with sharp objects.good.  
  
KNIVES: I said 'scissors'! Tell the humans to run with scissors!  
  
LEGATO: (erasing) Riiiight.  
  
KNIVES: Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be divorced at 40. Maybe you will dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much.I'm going to kill your spouse, use your children as lawn ornaments and slap you should you ever perform that ridiculous dance.  
  
SEPHIROTH: (shocked) Wait.are you saying.the funky chicken is not allowed?  
  
KNIVES: Anyone caught performing that dance will be executed on sight.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Damn.  
  
KNIVES: Get to know your parents.  
  
VICIOUS: Let me guess.you're going to kill them too?  
  
KNIVES: What other options do I have?  
  
SEPHIROTH: You could invite them to your ornamental basket weaving class...  
  
KNIVES scowls at SEPHIROTH  
  
LEGATO: Master, did I neglect to tell you that Sephiroth is lame?  
  
KNIVES: (shrugs and looks disinterested before continuing) Kill off your siblings.it makes my job easier.  
  
SEPHIROTH: (snaps his fingers) Hey..I've got one! Live in Midgar once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Nibelheim once, but leave before I burn it to a pile of cinders.  
  
KNIVES: (regarding SEPHIROTH with a critical eye) Hmm.Legato, are you sure abut this one being lame? He seems to have potential.  
  
LEGATO: No, no, no.trust me: he's lame.  
  
VICIOUS: Hey, I've got one too. Accept certain inalienable truths: The Sailor Scouts must dance like idiots for their attacks to work!  
  
LEGATO: Speed will never figure out that Racer X is his brother even though the narrator says it loud enough for everyone to hear.  
  
KNIVES: The ending of "Akira" will only make sense after you've taken several illegal substances...  
  
SEPHIROTH: The bad guy always dies at the end.  
  
ALL get very quiet for a minute. They have saddened expressions on their faces and are looking at the ground, obviously thinking about their own tragic deaths. A tear is in the corner of every eye.except for.  
  
KNIVES: WHOO HOO! WHO'S BAD? I'M BAD! GUESS WHO LIVED? I DID! BOO-YAAAA! I AM THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE! I ROCK MORE ASS THAN BILL CLINTON IN A WHOREHOUSE!  
  
KNIVES stands and does the funky chicken.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Hey! Why do YOU get to do the funky chicken?  
  
KNIVES: (arms flapping) I'm a plant, a superior being.me and the funky chicken go waaaay back.  
  
VICIOUS: Excuse me, did you just say you were.a PLANT?  
  
SEPHIROTH: (mumbles) More like a weed.  
  
LEGATO: That's it! (attacks SEPHIROTH)  
  
KNIVES settles back in his chair and looks at VICIOUS. The fight is raging all around them and they don't really seem to care.  
  
VICIOUS: Got anything else to add?  
  
KNIVES: Hmm.Can I say "Die human scum die" on the air?  
  
VICIOUS: This station broadcasts through Hell, anything goes.  
  
KNIVES: Oh good. Die human scum die.  
  
VICIOUS: Feel better now? Anyway, while my co-hosts are.indisposed, would you mind telling me where the rest of the household is?  
  
KNIVES: (rolling his eyes) Those idiot women are in the other room watching television with the Mini Gung Ho Guns (Wolfwood's 10 children in case you forgot). Vash is.actually, I haven't seen him in days.  
  
VICIOUS: Aren't you worried? He could be out saving and befriending humans.  
  
KNIVES: (shudders) Ugh.don't say things like that.  
  
LEGATO and SEPHIROTH stumble back to their seats. LEGATO'S shoulder spikes are missing and SEPHIROTH'S shoulder armor is cracked.  
  
LEGATO: Ahem.Master, I think maybe we should take a call or two. (hits the speaker phone button)  
  
CALLER: Hello? Knives?  
  
KNIVES: Yes....It is I.  
  
CALLER: Hey, I'm a big fan! I need a bit of advice.  
  
KNIVES: Run with scissors.  
  
CALLER: No, no! I'm not human either! See, I was the villain of a show and I died.but get this! My stupid ex-girlfriend thought I might CHANGE and fight for good the second time around so she gave her life force to me so that I could be reborn!  
  
VICIOUS: Stupid ex-girlfriend, you say? I wonder what Julia's up to.  
  
CALLER: Anyway, since I cashed in on such a sweet deal, I'm not looking forward to dying again anytime soon. Is there anything you can tell me that will allow me to stay evil, kill off good guys AND survive at the end of the series?  
  
LEGATO: Caller, please speak with more reverence when you speak to the Master and.please state your name and where you're calling from.  
  
MAROU: I'm Kikuga no Miko, but my stupid friends, clan and ex-girlfriend called me Marou, and that's okay too. I was king of the Demons of the Earth until my best friend killed me off. I'm calling from Feudal Japan! (The producers wonder who has actually watched "Blood Reign: Curse of the Yoma" where Marou hails from. It's a sci-fi fantasy sort of anime with ninjas! Ninjas rock! Ahem.back to the show.)  
  
KNIVES: Hmmm.Well Marou, you have an interesting dilemma but I think you're on the right track.  
  
MAROU: You do?  
  
KNIVES: Yes. Both you and I survived to the end of the series because of a naïve and utterly stupid associate who had unjustified faith in our latent goodness. This is an untapped resource for villainous success.  
  
VICIOUS: Care to elaborate?  
  
KNIVES: Indeed! I will give you a step by step process. I choose to call this maneuver: the "Vash Special!"  
  
ALL: The Vash Special.  
  
KNIVES: Very good, class! STEP ONE: live as a normal character with no truly evident maniacal traits. Every once in awhile you can slip up and say.I don't know.clutch at your head and hear strange voices.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Ahh.the old Squaresoft "Cloud/Fei" maneuver.(FF7 and Xenogears respectively! Xenogears rocks! Right, back to the show...)  
  
KNIVES: Exactly! This hints at your instability and eventual manifestation of evil powers, dark secret past or general bad attitude. The good news is that if you successfully complete STEP TWO, there will be no problems for you when these occasional outburst occur.  
  
LEGATO: Please, Master, what IS STEP TWO?  
  
KNIVES: STEP TWO! Find a batch of the dumbest, most trusting, and completely innocent friends you can. In my situation, I knew him by default: he was my brother. If you're not lucky enough to have a stupid brother who refuses to kill even the lowliest of spiders, then you have to look elsewhere for stupid friends.  
  
MAROU: This is GOOD stuff! How do I do I find someone as dumb as your brother?  
  
KNIVES: (darkly) Marou.Please understand: only I get to call him names.got it?  
  
MAROU: Oh.okay.  
  
KNIVES: Good. Now, this step isn't as hard as it sounds. There are stupid people waiting to befriend villains and potential villains everywhere you go!  
  
VICIOUS: Just think about all the people who trusted M.D. Geist.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Yeah...could any one person BE more evil?  
  
KNIVES: (chuckling) I think so. But anyway, make yourself a couple of loser friends, and you're on your way to the most effective security blanket the world has ever seen. But wait! There's more! THE FINAL STEP!  
  
ALL: Oh! THE FINAL STEP?  
  
KNIVES: Why yes! THE FINAL STEP in the Vash Special is this: at your moment of potential triumph where, invariably, the good guy arrives to ruin your plans, you have to play the guilt card.  
  
ALL: The guilt card.  
  
KNIVES: WOULD YOU STOP REPEATING EVERYTHING I SAY! Ahem.yes, the guilt card. Remember, the same people who try to stop you at the end are the same suckers who didn't realize you were a bastard at the beginning. You can use your now completely ruined friendship to save your own meaningless life.  
  
ALL: Ohhh.  
  
KNIVES: Say things like: "At least I got to see YOUR face one last time" or "I never meant to hurt YOU"...Cough up a little blood, this gets them every time.You can see the results of something like this, can't you?  
  
LEGATO: Yes.they'll bandage your wounds or perform a healing spell to save your contemptible life.  
  
MAROU: Or... they'll give up their own life force so you can live again! So all I have to do now is find a blind fool as dense as my ex-girlfriend.Wow! You're a genius!  
  
KNIVES: (yawns) I know.  
  
MAROU: Thanks! I'm going to go befriend some unsuspecting villagers and then destroy their homes!  
  
KNIVES: That's the spirit!  
  
The line goes dead.  
  
VICIOUS: Well.that's all the time we have for today.  
  
Suddenly, the door to the room smashes open. MILLY THOMPSON storms into the room holding her stun gun and looking beyond pissed.  
  
LEGATO: Oh.it's that woman again.  
  
MILLY: Excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt but you have something I need.  
  
MERYL STRIFE stumbles into the room after MILLY and looks from the frightening sight of SEPHIROTH (who is carrying a massive sword) to VICIOUS (who is ALSO carrying a massive sword) to LEGATO (who is licking his hand) to KNIVES (who is scary just on principal).  
  
MERYL: (horrified and scared) I.I.What in the world is going on here!  
  
MILLY: (whispering to MERYL) Which one of 'em looks easiest to bag?  
  
MERYL: What! You aren't bagging anybody!  
  
MILLY shrugs her shoulders and points her stun gun at the one she thinks looks the wussiest.  
  
MILLY: Okay pretty boy, put those hands up!  
  
SEPHIROTH: Hey! Why do I have to be the wuss?  
  
LEGATO: (angrily to SEPHIROTH) How many times do I have to tell you? YOU'RE LAME! L-A-M-E!  
  
MILLY: (to SEPHIROTH) I don't want to hurt you, put your hands where I can see them please!  
  
MERYL: Milly! What is this all about? Put that down and we can work through this without any property damage!  
  
MILLY: Sorry Sempai, but I just can't take this lying down! Mr. Priest has some explaining to do! (to SEPHIROTH) Hand over that Universal Passport!  
  
VICIOUS: (regarding the situation with his usual, sinister calm) Excuse me girl, aren't you aware that we're already dead? We can't give you the passport because we're intangible here. Furthermore, your weapon can't hurt us.  
  
SEPHIROTH: (looks relieved) HA, HA! So there! You can't get me! Nah, nah, nahhh, nah boo boo!  
  
MILLY: (narrows her eyes) Wanna make a bet?  
  
LEGATO: Excuse me.Did you just mention Nicholas D. Wolfwood?  
  
MILLY: Well.yes I did.  
  
LEGATO: Am I to understand that you want the Universal Passport to go to Heaven and cause Nicholas D. Wolfwood pain and suffering?  
  
MILLY: That two-timing priest thinks he can sneak around with that Final Fantasy floozy without me finding out? I'm going to kick his butt!  
  
LEGATO: (jumping up and down with glee.or what passes for glee when you're psychotic) Goodie! Oh Sephyyyyy! Give her the passport.  
  
SEPHIROTH: What!  
  
LEGATO: I said "give her the passport".and don't make me tell you again.  
  
~ To be.CONTINUED! ~ 


	6. The Attack of Dr Cliche!

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:  
  
We're playing a little game this episode! Whenever you see a * it means that the writers stole the material. That's right, it's NOT theirs, it's somebody else's. They watch too much TV and have no original ideas of their own. But we figured we'd cook up a prize for anybody that can name all of the references! Give it a shot, it shouldn't be too hard!  
  
A NOTE ON ORIGINAL CHARACTERS  
  
We all know them, the dreaded "Original Characters." This episode contains one. At least he's not a Mary Sue, but you may wish he were once everything is over. Consider yourself warned.  
  
*****  
  
A WHITE SET THAT DOESN'T REALLY EXIST ANYWHERE. LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS is standing before a camera in a sparkling white tuxedo.  
  
LEGATO: Since it has been awhile since the last airing, let me remind you puny humans what occurred on the last episode of the Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, Vanity, Gluttony, and, of course, Smoking Break. After learning of Nicholas D. Wolfwood's new relationship in Heaven with Aeris Gainsborough, Milly Thompson is a little upset. Armed with a stun gun and a miniscule mind, Milly is determined to make Wolfwood suffer for his transgression. Of course, I support her one hundred percent and think she deserves to receive the Universal Passport, a clever device that allows one to dimension hop with no trouble. As soon as Sephiroth relents and gives up his passport, things will be going very well. Alas, he's being as lame and difficult as usual. Let's see what happens...  
  
*****  
  
PLANET GUNSMOKE. A SMALL VILLAGE ABOUT 200 ISLES OUTSIDE OF LR TOWN. A LIVING ROOM SETTING. LEGATO BLUESUMMERS and SEPHIROTH are wrestling around on the floor like a bunch of idiots. MILLY THOMPSON has her stun gun trained on the two while MERYL STRIFE watches from the sidelines trying to make some order out of the chaos. VICIOUS is watching the whole thing with a mixture of amusement and contempt while MILLIONS KNIVES rubs his temple as a headache starts to form.  
  
LEGATO: (hitting SEHPHIROTH on the head) I said gimme!  
  
SEPHIROTH: (pulling on LEGATO'S ear) No!  
  
MERYL: Stop this right now!  
  
VICIOUS: Hey, hit him on the head again, it makes his eyes bug out. Oh yeah! That's just great! (to KNIVES) Did you see that?  
  
KNIVES: Unfortunately.  
  
LEGATO and SEPHIROTH begin tugging on SEPHIROTH'S Universal Passport.  
  
SEPHRIOTH: Let go!  
  
LEGATO: Suck it!  
  
SEPHIROTH: Not with somebody else's mouth!  
  
LEGATO: Come on! Why won't you cooperate? She's going to go make Wolfwood miserable! And Aeris too!  
  
SEPHIROTH: I already killed her! Why should I care if she's miserable! Besides, if I give her my passport, how do I get around? I'll be stranded here!  
  
LEGATO: Reality check! Nobody likes you! Who cares if you're stranded? Gimme!  
  
KNIVES has finally had enough. He stands, walks over to the two and snatches the passport from them.  
  
KNIVES: You're behaving like imbeciles. Legato, I'm ashamed.  
  
LEGATO is too busy staring in disbelief with everyone else to be humbled and embarrassed. Shocked silence prevails for a long time.  
  
SEPHIROTH: How...how the hell did you do that?  
  
KNIVES: (annoyed) Do what?  
  
LEGATO: Master...it's just that...we're dead...you aren't supposed to be able to touch us or anything of ours...  
  
KNIVES: (bored) I really couldn't care less. You two gave me a headache with your childish bickering.  
  
KNIVES walks to MILLY and hands her the passport.  
  
MILLY: (eyes sparkling) Oh thank you Mr. Knives!  
  
KNIVES: Don't thank me, I'm only doing it to get rid of you. Go to Heaven or wherever and try really, really hard to get lost on the way there.  
  
MILLY: That won't be hard for me! The Chief says I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached...  
  
MERYL: That's nothing to be proud of...  
  
VICIOUS: (staring at KNIVES and frowning) But how in the world were you able to touch the passport?  
  
VOICE: I believe I can answer all your questions.  
  
Everyone turns to the look at the door. The VOICE comes from a very short, balding man in a white lab coat. He strolls into the room with his hands clasped behind his back and glasses perched on his nose.  
  
LEGATO: Who the hell are you supposed to be?  
  
DR. CLICHE: I am what is commonly referred to as an "Original Character"...  
  
ALL: What?  
  
DR. CLICHE: Never mind. As I was saying, I think the term "Original Character" is comical in my situation, mainly because I am Dr. Cliche, the epitome of all contrived and cheesy plot devices and characters. Technically, I'm not very original at all...in fact, my existence RELIES on the unoriginal and overused.  
  
KNIVES: I don't care who you are, get out of my house...  
  
DR. CLICHE: Hmm...how rude! And I thought you wanted to know why it is you were able to touch the Universal Passport when the living shouldn't be able to...  
  
SEPHIROTH: Well I'm curious as fuck...  
  
DR. CLICHE: The answer is simple! Knives is not a normal human being. Because of his unnatural disposition, he is not only able to take the passport from the deceased, but alter it's composition, also allowing Milly to handle it. In short: he's a plant so the rules of the world bend a bit for him...  
  
MILLY: (eyes wide) But that's amazing! Does that mean that the little light in the refrigerator stays on for him too?  
  
EVERYONE but DR. CLICHE stares at MILLY, amazed that anybody could be that dumb.  
  
DR. CLICHE: (surprised by the clever and astute girl) That and more my bright young lady! He can also take comic books out of the plastic cover WITHOUT the tape sticking to the back of the comic and ruining it.  
  
ALL: Ohhhhhh....  
  
MERYL: This is all very fascinating...but how did you get in here?  
  
DR. CLICHE: Excellent question. You see, as a rule in most anime, television and movies, there is always one character with ALL the answers. As there was nobody in this room to fit the bill, a cheesy original character insert was required for exposition's sake. I'm sure if you watched your anime more carefully you could find dozens of little, balding men just like me who just so happen to know EXACTLY what's going on...  
  
SEPHIROTH: My god...you're right! There's at least one in every show....  
  
KNIVES: Great, now we know the answer....So can I kill you?  
  
MERYL: NO!  
  
EVERYONE focuses their attention on watching MERYL who is trying to keep KNIVES from beating DR. CLICHE with a spare, frozen rack of lamb* he just so happened to have. NOBODY is paying attention to MILLY who is examining the Universal Passport.  
  
MILLY: Now how do I get this thing to work....  
  
MERYL: Mr. Knives! Please drop the lamb! You can't just kill whoever you want!  
  
KNIVES: Says who?  
  
Suddenly, the door to the room is flung open and in walks....  
  
VASH THE STAMPEDE: Hi everybody!  
  
MERYL: Vash! You're back! Please help us stop Knives...  
  
KNIVES looks over, sees his brother and quickly pretends to be washing windows INSTEAD of killing the doctor. He whistles innocently and hides the rack of lamb behind his back...  
  
VASH: Stop him from cleaning? But that's so productive!  
  
MERYL slaps her forehead and gives up. DR. CLICHE recovers and puts a fair distance between himself and KNIVES.  
  
VASH: (taking in the occupants of the room for the first time) Boy we've got a lot of company! (notices LEGATO and does a double take)  
  
LEGATO: (wearing a party hat and waving a flag) Surprise.  
  
VASH: H...how?  
  
LEGATO: (sarcastically) I missed you so much that I came to visit.  
  
DR. CLICHE turns away from the conversation and notices MILLY who is flipping through the pages of the passport furiously.  
  
DR. CLICHE: Oh no, no! That won't do at all!  
  
MILLY: Why not? (starts shaking the passport around)  
  
DR. CLICHE: You can't use that passport! There's no telling what could happen! Knives could touch the passport because he is NOT HUMAN...you're all TOO human! A human actually USING the passport could have disastrous results! Space could warp! Time could reverse....  
  
SEPRHIOTH: Luke might become Darth Vader's father!  
  
LEGATO: Midvalley might start playing the tuba...  
  
VICIOUS: Vash's mole might move to the right side of his face.  
  
VASH: I have a mole?*  
  
MILLY: Maybe there's a button to push...  
  
MERYL: Milly, maybe you should listen to....  
  
MILLY: Hey, what's this?  
  
Something goes "CLICK!" in the passport.  
  
MILLY: Hey! It's working!  
  
DR. CLICHE: I think...we had all better hold on to something...  
  
A low rumble starts and slowly builds into a roar that shakes the house. EVERYONE clutches onto something to keep from falling over as the tremors turn violent. Pictures rattle off the walls and a high pitched sound echoes through the house. DR. CLICHE hides under the coffee table with MERYL. VASH falls over when a chair slides into him. SEPHIROTH rocks precariously on his feet and LEGATO barely stays standing by using VICIOUS as a ballast. KNIVES doesn't seem to notice that the world is shaking down around him. The tremors slowly die away when a blinding light erupts from the Universal Passport before MILLY disappears in a puff of smoke.  
  
MERYL: (running around screaming, trying to find her friend) Milly! Milly!  
  
KNIVES: (disgusted) Don't be stupid! Read that last part again...(points at the sentence) "MILLY disappears in a puff of smoke." I think it's pretty clear that running around screaming her name is ineffective, don't you agree?  
  
MERYL scowls at KNIVES and then runs to where VASH is sprawled on the ground.  
  
MERYL: Vash! Are you okay?  
  
DR. CLICHE: (standing up and dusting off) That was a violent reaction, but at least nothing terrible has happened...things seem pretty much as they should be...  
  
VASH: (looks up at MERYL) Ugh! There's a filthy human touching me! Get away, get away, icky! (starts swatting at her)  
  
EVERYONE stares at VASH in shock until LEGATO'S voice breaks the silence.  
  
LEGATO: (looking out the window) Boy, it's a beautiful day. Really beautiful...Anybody got a doughnut?  
  
*****  
  
THE GATES OF HEAVEN. MILLY THOMPSON is second in a long line standing before huge PEARLY GATES. A very old, bearded man in a toga is standing behind a podium with a very large book (because every cliche must be brought into the light! Yes! Bwa ha ha ha...cough...ahem) He dutifully checks off the name of the person in front of MILLY and gestures grandly to the gates which slide open just wide enough to admit a single person. Pristine light shines from the crack and a choir of angels can be heard for a second before the gates slide shut again, cutting off the heavenly sound.  
  
ST. PETER: Next!  
  
MILLY: (stepping forward and waving) Hello!  
  
ST. PETER: (checking his book and frowning) Hmm...not on the list are we?  
  
MILLY: Er...just visiting!  
  
ST. PETER: Fine then. Passport please.  
  
MILLY hands him the rather battered leather booklet...  
  
ST. PETER looks from the picture in the book to MILLY who gives him her most innocent smile. ST. PETER, very confused, looks at the picture again and notices no resemblance between the pretty girl before him and the snarling, white-haired killer in the picture. He checks one more time as MILLY'S grin becomes painful.  
  
ST. PETER: (cautiously) Sephiroth? MR. Sephiroth?  
  
MILLY: (looking down nervously) Sure...(at this point, she's feeling pretty rotten because her big, big sister told her never to lie)  
  
ST. PETER: (sighing) Miss...I think it's pretty obvious that this is a stolen passport. I can't let you in...I'm sorry.  
  
MILLY: (sinisterly) Not as sorry as I am...  
  
MILLY suddenly pulls her stun gun from under her coat.  
  
ST. PETER: My God! What are you doing with that here?  
  
MILLY aims at the PEARLY GATES and pulls the trigger. The doors fly open and MILLY, with a final apology tossed over her shoulder, storms into HEAVEN with the determination of a woman scorned. Once she reaches the lobby, she has a massive shootout that requires a duffel bag full of firearms and lots of marble pillars to duck behind and shoot at. During all of this, she wears a swell, trendy leather coat and sunglasses. Occasionally she says "whoa, I know kung-fu" and runs up walls for no reason whatsoever.*  
  
*****  
  
HEAVEN. On the set of the succinctly named "Afterlife Coffee Break". NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD, REM SAVEREM and SPIKE SPIEGEL are sitting in comfortable chairs surrounding a coffee table with, once again, blank mugs and a telephone. WOLFWOOD is boasting a pair of the world's biggest dark circles and even looks like his stubble is longer than normal, if that's possible. His clothes are rumpled as if he slept in them or left them pooled on the floor next to somebody's bed...  
  
SPIKE: Welcome back to the show. In case you're just joining us, our topic today is "The secrets of the Universe and their application in anime."  
  
WOLFWOOD: We'd like to thank our special guest panelists for all their useful comments and answers. What did you think of that segment, Rem?  
  
REM: Well, it's hard to believe that Tokyo is the center of the Universe, but I guess it makes sense if you watch anime.  
  
WOLFWOOD: That's true, monsters never attack the rest of the world...only Tokyo.  
  
SPIKE: You'd think everyone would have caught on by now and moved.  
  
REM: Well, people do a lot of crazy things....speaking of crazy things...you're looking a bit tired today Nick.  
  
SPIKE: Yeah, Rem's right. You look beat.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (looking down embarrassed) I guess I haven't been getting much sleep lately.  
  
SPIKE: I KNEW IT! That woman is a sexual predator posing as an innocent flower girl!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Watch what you say!  
  
SPIKE: Come on! Tell all! How is she? Does she go?*  
  
WOLFWOOD: What do you mean?  
  
SPIKE: Does she "GO"? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more, say no more! Nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, nudge, nudge...*  
  
REM: I'm taking away your Python collection...  
  
SPIKE: WHAT! DON'T LIKE SPAM?*  
  
REM: (confused) Okay...riiight...But Nick, really, Aeris has a shady history, you should be careful...  
  
WOLFWOOD: Shady?  
  
SPIKE: That's true. She dated the mysterious "Zack" before she ever dated the insane "Cloud". Who's to say you're not just another notch on her belt, cowboy?  
  
REM: Good point! From mysterious to insane and now onto disheveled and frumpy. That girl makes the rounds. She's been through four of the seven dwarfs already.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Aeris and I are happy together! She's a special girl and I like being with her. She's coming to the set later on so try to be nice, okay?  
  
REM: I'm always nice!  
  
SPIKE: I'm not.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Okay, time to take a call...(he hits the speakerphone button)  
  
Static is heard followed by a smooth and melodious voice.  
  
CALLER: Wolfwood?  
  
WOLFWOOD: Dammit! Legato! I thought I told you not to call anymore!  
  
LEGATO: (sounding very much like he knows something juicy) Oh, you did. But I've got some news...  
  
WOLFWOOD: There's nothing you have to tell me that I consider important.  
  
LEGATO: I think there's something you should know...  
  
WOLFWOOD: (irritated) WHAT?  
  
Suddenly (everything happens "suddenly" dammit) a crazed looking woman with a stun gun storms onto the set.  
  
MILLY: Say your prayers, Mr. Priest!  
  
LEGATO: That.  
  
SPIKE: (looking from MILLY to WOLFWOOD) Oh yeah! This is good stuff!  
  
REM: I put ten bucks on the girl with the stun gun!  
  
SPIKE: I'll go in on that! What do you say Wolfwood?  
  
WOLFWOOD: Shit...  
  
To be continued...  
  
They say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...but what about Heaven? Tune in next time for the all out, knockout, drag-down, slug-fest! Rumble in Heaven! Flower-Girl vs. Insurance-Girl! Who will win? Be there or be as lame as Sephiroth!  
  
SEPHIROTH: I'm NOT lame! 


	7. GO, GO AERIS, THE EVERLIVING!

A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:  
  
Last episodes are kinda sad. It reminds us that we've missed a lot of important disclaimers. Like how we don't own the rights to the characters featured on the show and other, obvious lies. Furthermore, it reminds us how much we appreciate the dedicated viewers who have stuck with the show for two whole seasons. We want to offer out thanks. Also, we want to ask, "what the hell is wrong with you?" But that would be rude.  
  
SEASON II  
  
EPISODE V: GO, GO AERIS, THE EVER-LIVING!  
  
*****  
  
DR. CLICHE is dressed in a suit and tie and sitting at a news desk that really doesn't exist anywhere.  
  
DR. CLICHE: Thank you for joining us. If you recall, in the last episode, Milly used the Universal Passport that she stole from Sephiroth to transport herself to Heaven in order to confront Wolfwood about his new girlfriend, Aeris. Whew! But since her trip, Vash and Legato have been acting strangely. Lots of zanniness occurred and I was beaten with a frozen leg of lamb. Let's see what happens next. Those crazy, dead, anime kids!  
  
*****  
  
ON THE SET OF THE AFTERLIFE COFFEE BREAK. MILLY THOMPSON has her stun gun trained on NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD while REM SAVEREM and SPIKE SPIEGEL place their bets.  
  
MILLY: Okay Mr. Priest, start talking!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Honey! What are you...? How did you...?  
  
MILLY: Don't 'Honey' me! I want to know what you think you're doing with that...that...  
  
SPIKE: Slut?  
  
REM: Tramp?  
  
SPIKE: Trollop?  
  
REM: Hussy?  
  
SPIKE: Whore?  
  
MILLY: Girl! I was going to say 'Girl'!  
  
SPIKE: Sure you were.  
  
REM: Of course we believe you.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Honey, listen: I'm dead and you're alive. There's no way for us to be together anymore. Don't you want me to be happy in my afterlife?  
  
MILLY: What about the children? Nicholas Jr. is already smoking and wearing sunglasses! He refuses to shave his stubble and I can't understand a word he says! He wants to be just like you!  
  
WOLFWOOD: (to MILLY) You're doing a fantastic job with the children I'm sure. As long as you keep Knives away from them they'll turn out fine.  
  
MILLY: So that's it. You're going to leave me alone down there to take care of the children by myself.  
  
WOLFWOOD: What other choice do I have? I'm DEAD!  
  
MILLY: (sniffles for a second and then looks at WOLFWOOD with a menacing glare) Not as dead as you're gonna be...  
  
MILLY commences to chase WOLFWOOD around the studio much to the amusement of REM and SPIKE.  
  
REM: (suddenly wearing a dark blazer with ACB embroidered above the breast pocket. She is sporting headsets and is holding a microphone) Ohhh! I haven't seen a choke hold like that since the one I used on Alex when he was alive! That big girl is giving Nick the beating of his afterlife!  
  
SPIKE: (dressed in the same manner as REM) Ouch! I think that move was banned by the World Wrestling Federation.  
  
REM: I can see why! Is it possible for legs to tie in knots like that, Spike?  
  
SPIKE: (chuckling) I guess so Rem, I guess so.  
  
MILLY: (screaming at WOLFWOOD) Get back here!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Mommy!  
  
*****  
  
PLANET GUNSMOKE. On the roster: KNIVES, VICIOUS, LEGATO, MERYL, SEPHIROTH, VASH THE STAMPEDE and DR. CLICHÉ. VASH is pulling the wings off butterflies and cackling with joy. LEGATO is desperately trying to get him to stop without violence.  
  
MERYL: Vash...what's the matter with you? I don't understand!  
  
VASH: (crossing his arms and looking huffy) That's because you're human and humans are dumb. And stinky. And look stupid in Hawaiian shirts. And I hate it when they wear socks and sandals together. They look stupid.  
  
LEGATO: That wasn't very nice. Some of us look good in socks and sandals.  
  
VASH: Shut-up freakshow.  
  
KNIVES is looking on with a confused expression. His gaze shifts from his brother to his servant and back and the confused expression only intensifies.  
  
KNIVES: (to VASH) Is this some kind of joke, brother dear?  
  
VASH: Is WHAT some kind of joke?  
  
KNIVES: (waving his arms around for emphasis) THIS!  
  
VASH: You're not making sense. Do you mean if waving your arms around is a joke? Well, you always did look stupid doing the funky chicken if that's what you mean...  
  
KNIVES: Leave the funky chicken out of this!  
  
DR. CLICHE: Hmm. It appears that your young friend did more damage when she used the passport than I originally thought. Legato and Vash seem to have switched motivations and idiosyncrasies. In other words: Vash will soon be licking his hand obscenely, eating cheesecake like it's going out of style and trying to eradicate humanity. Legato will begin singing the same song over and over, pining over a dead woman and crying like a baby for at least 6 to 7 hours a day while eating donuts.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Who cares about them? What about me! That girl took my passport and now I'm stuck on this ridiculous planet with the Psycho family!  
  
Music begins to play...It sounds strangely like the...Brady Bunch theme? The cast's faces split up into little boxes and they begin looking in the various directions at each other. LEGATO spends most of his time looking at KNIVES. We're not surprised.  
  
LEGATO: Oh here's a story...  
  
KNIVES: Of a man named Vashie!  
  
VASH: Who was living on a planet with his bro.  
  
VICIOUS: Both of them had great big guns,  
  
VASH: For blowing up things!  
  
KNIVES: But they were surrounded by human scum.  
  
SEPHIROTH: That DOESN'T RHYME! It doesn't even FIT in the song!  
  
KNIVES: Shut up fool!  
  
VASH: (ignoring them) Here's the story, of a man named Vicious  
  
KNIVES: Who was living with a really ugly bird  
  
LEGATO: He had rotten people skills.  
  
VICIOUS: (beaming with pride) Like no other!  
  
KNIVES: But he was painfully flawed by his all too evident humanity.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Do you even KNOW how to RHYME?  
  
KNIVES: Bite me.  
  
VASH: 'Til the one day when this trio met Legato...  
  
KNIVES: And they knew that it was much more than a hunch...  
  
VICIOUS: That this group could somehow slaughter people...  
  
LEGATO: Wait! But...I don't want to slaughter people! I want to love them and hug them and buy them presents at Christmas time and...  
  
VASH: Shut up fool!  
  
KNIVES: And that's the way we became the Psycho Bunch!  
  
VASH, VICIOUS and KNIVES: The Psy-cho Bunch! The Psycho Bunch! That's the way we became the Psycho Bunch!  
  
MERYL: (disturbed) Excuse me...but...doesn't anybody care what happened to Milly?  
  
LEGATO: Yes.  
  
DR. CLICHE: Of course.  
  
VICIOUS, SEPHIROTH, VASH and KNIVES: No.  
  
MERYL storms into the LIVING ROOM and turns on the television where she stumbles upon something that sounds like: "Honey! Please! Stop! Owww!!! My arm!" and: "Boy Rem, he's really taking a beating out there." and: "Yeah, you're right Spike. You have to wonder, how much more can he take?" and finally: "No more! No more! Please!"  
  
The rest of the group migrates to the LIVING ROOM where graphic footage of WOLFWOOD being shot repeatedly by a stun gun is playing on Channel 7.  
  
VASH pulls up a seat with popcorn while LEGATO begins to cry. VICIOUS just looks bored.  
  
KNIVES: (frowning at his brother) Now I'm pissed off. Dammit! (whirling to face LEGATO) Legato, you hate humans. (whirling the other way to face VASH) Vash, you love them. Got it?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Wait a minute! You said yourself that you've spent over 100 years trying to get Vash to hate people. You finally get what you want and you're upset?  
  
DR. CLICHE: (staring dramatically into space) Could it be that he longs for the conflict, the challenge of making his brother see things his way? Could it be that he has spent so long in this game of cat and mouse with his brother that he knows no other way to live? Without that constant, perhaps he feels that his life has no purpose.  
  
KNIVES is silent for a minute, as if he is truly considering the statement. Then he pulls out a new, frozen leg of lamb and brandishes it threateningly at DR. CLICHE.  
  
KNIVES: Don't psychoanalyze me, human, lest I show you why they call me "Lamb Chop".  
  
ALL: Huh?  
  
KNIVES: Never mind.  
  
DR. CLICHE moves a fair distance away from KNIVES. So does everyone else.  
  
MERYL: I can't believe this! Milly is up there in Heaven causing trouble and...  
  
A loud bang comes from the TV followed by voices screaming. "Yikes! Well Spike, they've started on the set!" and: "I'll tell you Rem, not even I did this much damage when I tossed a grenade at the place!"  
  
MERYL: Oh no ...Property damage.  
  
VASH: Ain't it cool?  
  
Suddenly, KNIVES has had enough. He grabs his brother by the collar and starts slapping him repeatedly.  
  
KNIVES: LOVE AND PEACE! THINK LOVE AND PEACE! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO FUCKING LOVE AND FUCKING PEACE? EAT (slap) DONUTS (slap) AND (slap) ACT (slap) LIKE (slap) AN (slap) IDIOT (slap)! LOVE (slap) AND (slap) PEACE!  
  
VASH: Ow...Knives...stop...hitting...me...that...sucks...owwwwwww!!!  
  
LEGATO: But Vash...He's right...you SHOULD strive for love and peace.  
  
KNIVES lets go of his brother and turns to LEGATO.  
  
KNIVES: And you!  
  
KNIVES grabs LEGATO and starts slapping him much in the same manner that he slapped VASH.  
  
KNIVES: KILL ALL THE HUMANS! HUMANITY SUCKS! BRING SUFFERING AND DEATH TO EVERYONE! WHY (slap) IS THAT (slap) SO (slap) FUCKING HARD? KILL! (slap) KILL! (slap) KILL! (slap)  
  
LEGATO: Master...please...stop...that...really...doesn't...feel...very...good...  
  
VASH: Hey...That's kinda cool. When you hit him like that, it makes his eyes bug out.  
  
KNIVES: ARRGHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
SEPHIROTH: (crawling on the floor) Hey! I found a quarter!  
  
KNIVES turns on SEPHIROTH and starts slapping him too.  
  
KNIVES: I (slap) DON'T (slap) HAVE (slap) ANY (slap) REASON (slap) TO (slap) SLAP (slap) YOU (slap) BUT (slap) IT (slap) FEELS (slap) REALLY (slap) GOOD (smack)!  
  
VICIOUS: (to KNIVES) If I pay you, will you do that again?  
  
SEPHIROTH: (in a slurred, dizzy voice to KNIVES) Okay weed-boy. Wait until we're alone. I'm gonna give you a big, hunkin' box of ouchies.  
  
KNIVES: What the fuck is an ouchie? My god! You ARE lame!  
  
DR. CLICHE: Things are getting far too complicated! This does not bode well.  
  
MERYL: Doctor, what is the worst thing that could happen?  
  
DR. CLICHE: If Legato and Vash remain switched as they are, there is no telling the consequences. For all we know, Milly's transport to Heaven may have caused even more damage. We've got to set things right as soon as possible.  
  
KNIVES: You can say that again. I can't tolerate this much longer.  
  
VASH: Hey bro! Let's go blow up a city or two? Come on! Come on! Huh, huh? Doesn't it sound fun? Huh? Huh?  
  
LEGATO: That's not fair. I was hoping the Master and I could chase butterflies and frolic about in a field of flowers.  
  
KNIVES: (to DR. CLICHÉ) Doctor, if you're going to fix this, I suggest you hurry before I introduce you to your spleen.  
  
*****  
  
HEAVEN  
  
MILLY: Stop running!  
  
WOLFWOOD: Spike! HELPPPPPP!  
  
SPIKE: No way! This is too much fun!  
  
MILLY trips WOLFWOOD. He falls down, screaming like a little girl. MILLY stands over him, stun gun trained at his head.  
  
MILLY: Say your prayers, Rabbit.  
  
VOICE: Stop this right now!  
  
ALL turn to see...  
  
AERIS: Okay lady, you betta' stop beatin' on my man like that. For real tho'!  
  
MILLY: Aww no you didn't! You betta' recognize!  
  
REM: Awww shi'! It's 'bout to get bowdy up in here!  
  
SPIKE: Ah na, hell na! They gone up and did it!  
  
MILLY: (to AERIS) Who's gonna stop me? You? (laughs) You weigh.what? 100 pounds, soaking wet and holding a llama? It hardly seems fair, but if it's a fight you're after, you've got it! (aims her stun gun at AERIS while smiling a big, goofy grin) My big, big sister said it was always okay to break my foot off in someone's ass.  
  
AERIS: Ha! Not woman enough to take me without a gun?  
  
MILLY: (tosses the stun gun to the side) I can snap you like a twig WITHOUT the stun gun, skinny-minnie. Bring it.  
  
ROB ZOMBIES' Dragula begins to play.  
  
AERIS and MILLY launch themselves at each other, Matrix style, crash in mid air and fall to the ground, fists flailing.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Girls! Stop this!  
  
SPIKE: Are you stupid? Two hot girls beating on each other? That's a major turn on! Now all we need is Jell-O and this really would be Heaven! I do so love strong women! Cat fight! Woo Hooo!  
  
REM smacks SPIKE.  
  
SPIKE: (genuinely confused) Oww! What?  
  
*****  
  
PLANET GUNSMOKE. The cast is standing about and the film crew has already left out of boredom. DR. CLICHÉ is staring at a huge diagram he has drawn, occasionally making notes or working a bit of math.  
  
LEGATO: (watching the carnage on TV) I've got to stop this! The violence...it's so wrong! It would make Rem cry! (that's what HE thinks! Bwa-ha-ha!)  
  
LEGATO pulls out his Universal Passport and then disappears in a puff of smoke.  
  
VASH: Thank god that girly-man is gone. Hey bro! Lets strap fireworks to that cat over there!  
  
KURONEKOSAMA: Nya?  
  
KNIVES: (eyebrow twitching) I can't stand this anymore! Doctor?  
  
DR. CLICHÉ: I'm still working on the solution.genius takes time.  
  
VICIOUS: (looking around at the sorry gathering of deceased and living) There's nothing happening here.I'm going to Heaven to watch the girl fight.  
  
VICIOUS also uses his Passport and disappears in a puff of smoke.  
  
DR. CLICHÉ: (looking excited) Did he say 'girl fight'?  
  
KNIVES: Don't even think about it. You stay here and fix this.  
  
DR. CLICHÉ: Um.gee.let me think about that.hmm.how about 'no'? (shouting) GO, GO cliché-copter!  
  
DR. CLICHÉ pushes a button on his watch and a helicopter blade extends from his head. He crashes through the ceiling and flies away, waving happily the entire time, obviously thinking perverted thoughts.  
  
KNIVES: That little fuck!  
  
VASH: Want me to shoot him out of the sky?  
  
KNIVES: Do I have to slap you again?  
  
VASH pouts.  
  
MERYL: I can't stand being around Vash when he's like this! I'm going to go type a report and try to act in-character! That's right, I'm furious and practical! I like order and organization! I'm very, very angry!  
  
MERYL storms out of the room.in a practical, organized manner.  
  
VASH: Bye-bye bitchy lady!  
  
KNIVES: I really want to kick someone's ass right about now.  
  
SEPHIROTH: How do you think I feel? My co-hosts abandoned me.AGAIN!  
  
VASH shrugs and then runs off after KURONEKOSAMA with a sparking stick of dynamite effectively leaving SEPHIROTH and KNIVES alone.  
  
SEPHIROTH and KNIVES stare at each other for a very long time. Crickets chirp and cherry blossoms blow past for no reason whatsoever.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Sooo.  
  
KNIVES: Riiight.  
  
SEPHIROTH: Er.  
  
KNIVES: (scratching his head) Yeah.  
  
SEPHIROTH: (drumming his fingers) Um.  
  
KNIVES: Sooo.Are we gonna beat each other up or not?  
  
SEPHIROTH: Whew! I thought you'd never ask!  
  
They attack each other and generally seem happy, all things considered.  
  
*****  
  
HEAVEN.  
  
MILLY: (layin' the smack down) My god! You were in an RPG? You must have been a back-row healer because you hit like shit!  
  
AERIS: Oh yeah? That's because you are unaware of what I'm truly capable of! (her voice gets deep and scary) Ancient spirits of evil transform this decaying form into MUMM-RA, THE EVER-LIVING!  
  
SPIKE: Uh.what?  
  
REM: (watching as AERIS transforms into MUMM-RA) Uh.Sorry.but it looks like Aeris is really the villain from "Thundercats."  
  
SPIKE: Shit! Why do all the hot babes turn out to be undead creatures?  
  
REM: Bad luck, I guess.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (horrified) Holy SHIT.I was sleeping with that?  
  
REM: Them's the breaks.  
  
AERIS-RA: (slapping MILLY repeatedly) Who hits like shit now? Huh!  
  
MILLY: You do! WATCH THIS! Ancient spirits of pudding transform this fleshy body into THE STAY PUFFED MARSHMALLOW MAN!  
  
SPIKE: Uh.what?  
  
REM: (watching as MILLY transforms into a 100 ft. tall marshmallow sailor) Uh.Sorry, but it looks like Milly is really the Villain from "Ghostbusters."  
  
SPIKE: Shit! Why do all the hot babes turn out to be made of.uh.never mind, I got nothing.  
  
REM: Wise decision.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (even more horrified) Holy SHIT.that's the mother of my children?  
  
REM: Them's the.never mind, I got nothing.  
  
Suddenly, LEGATO, VICIOUS and DR. CLICHÉ arrive on the set just as MILLY er..."STAY PUFFED" steps on er..."MUMM-RA"...  
  
VICIOUS: (looking around, disappointed) WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HOT GIRLS? THAT'S A MARSHMALLOW AND A MUMMY! I WANTED TO SEE BABES!  
  
DR. CLICHÉ: On the bright side, the marshmallow is rather curvy and the mummy has nice legs.  
  
LEGATO: (hollering and pointing at the priest) Wolfwood!  
  
WOLFWOOD: (turns to see LEGATO) Ugh.what do you want? Can't you see I'm having a crisis?  
  
LEGATO looks at the two gruesome creatures beating each other up over his love then turns back to WOLFWOOD.  
  
LEGATO: Yes.I see that now. I'm really sorry.  
  
The fight stops. AERIS and MILLY return to their regular shapes and gawk at LEGATO. WOLFWOOD, SPIKE, REM, VICIOUS, and DR. CLICHÉ stare with their mouths open.  
  
ALL: WHAT?  
  
SPIKE: Did you just.apologize?  
  
LEGATO: Er.Yes. I'm.I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. And it's good to see you, Wolfwood.  
  
And, for the first time in his psychopathic life, LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS smiles a sincere, genuine, not-frightening smile. His teeth sparkle as does his one, visible eye. The dolphins and vultures come back to life, the polar ice caps reform, hell unthaws and pigs cease to fly. All the living creatures of the earth rejoice and butterflies flit around LEGATO'S head. In fact, all the creatures of the world seem pleased except.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (more horrified than he's ever been in his life) THAT SMILE IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE EVER SEEN! YOU'RE INSANE! YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO SMILE NORMALLY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?  
  
LEGATO actually looks hurt. And that's when the tremors start. They're very small at first, but grow in intensity until all of HEAVEN is shaking violently.  
  
REM: What is going on here?  
  
ALL turn to look at DR. CLICHÉ.  
  
DR. CLICHÉ: How the fuck should I know?  
  
All over HEAVEN and on the SET, static is heard followed by a VOICE booming over an intercom system. It sorta sounds like the Captain's voice on an airplane (like in the movies!)  
  
VOICE: Uh.this is the Archangel Earl speaking.  
  
VICIOUS: Earl? The Archangel EARL? The world is a BAD place.  
  
EARL: We've run into a bit of trouble here in Heaven. It seems like something truly vile and corrupt must have happened. Whatever it was, it defied nature and Heaven itself couldn't withstand the sheer evil of this thing. It must have been revolting.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (scowling at LEGATO) You can say that again!  
  
LEGATO looks even more hurt.  
  
EARL: We're still looking into it, but.um.evacuating might be a good idea. So.I think I can safely say "smoke 'em if you've got 'em folks, this place is going down." Oh the humanity! ARrghhhhhhhhhHHHH!  
  
The intercom goes dead.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Damn!  
  
REM: Damn, damn.  
  
SPIKE: Are you kidding? This is great! He said I could smoke! (SPIKE tries to light up but REM snatches the cigarette away)  
  
REM: We have to go!  
  
DR. CLICHÉ: I agree, we should make good our retreat! GO, GO cliché- copter!  
  
The cast speeds towards the exit and SPIKE is really wanting one of those trap doors right about now. DR. CLICHE triggers his personal helicopter gadget and is flying off when.  
  
HEAVEN EXPLODES. In fact...it explodes real good.  
  
*****  
  
GUNSMOKE. Awhile later. Battered, bruised, covered in soot and generally looking sorry, the cast of the "Afterlife Coffee Break" and "The Afterlife.whatever" (minus SEPHIROTH), are sitting in a straight line, side by side, in the middle of the desert. With them are AERIS and MILLY. They are all silent, simply staring at the suns setting before them.  
  
SPIKE places a crooked cigarette to his mouth and gets to smoke for the first time since he died.  
  
SPIKE: (savoring the first drag) I forgot how good these were. This should have happened a long, long, long time ago.  
  
SPIKE offers the carton of cigarettes around. REM and WOLFWOOD take one each and then pass them on to MILLY and AERIS who share one. SPIKE even passes one to VICIOUS who takes it gratefully. DR. CLICHÉ declines and takes out a flask of strong whiskey instead.  
  
REM: Well.Heaven blew up.  
  
ALL: Yeah.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (taking a long drag) Uh.Legato?  
  
LEGATO: Yeah?  
  
WOLFWOOD: Somehow, all of this is your fault. You know that, right?  
  
LEGATO: What? Havoc? Mayhem? Explosions? You damn skippy.  
  
The End (?).... 


End file.
